kind of hurt.
I opened my eyes and looked at her, and then away. Oh. That.
That, she agreed. You look like youre bleeding, somehow.
Ill get over it, I told her.
Is this about last Halloween?
I shrugged a shoulder.
She was quiet for a moment. Then she said, There was a lot of confusion in the blackout and right after. But they found a corpse in the Field Museum that had been savaged by an animal. Lab guessed it was a large dog. They found three different blood types on the floor, too.
Did they? I asked.
And at Kent College. They found eight dead bodies there. Six of them had no discernable means of death. One had its head half severed by a surgically sharp blade. The other had taken a .44 round to the back of the head.
I nodded.
She stared at me for a while, frowning and waiting for me to continue. Then she said, in a quiet, certain voice, You killed them.
My memory played some bad clips in my head. My stomach twisted. I didnt do the headless guy.
Her cool, blue eyes stayed steady and she nodded. You killed them. Its eating at you.
It shouldnt. Ive killed a lot of things.
True, Murphy said. But they werent faeries or vampires or monsters this time. They were people. And you werent in the heat of battle when they died. You made the choice cold.
I couldnt lift my eyes for some reason. But I nodded and whispered, More or less.
She waited for me to say more, but I didnt. Harry, she said. Youre tearing yourself up over it. Youve got to talk to someone. It doesnt have to be me or here, but youve got to do it. Theres no shame in feeling bad about killing someone, not for any reason.
I let out a short little laugh. It tasted bitter. Youre the last person Id expect to tell me not to feel bad about committing murder.
She shifted uncomfortably. Sort of surprised myself, she said. But dammit, Harry. You remember when I shot Agent Denton?
Yeah.
Took me some time to deal with it, too. I mean, I know hed lost it. And he was going to kill you if I didnt do it. But it made me feelhellip; She squinted out at the Chicago night. Stained. To take a life. She swallowed. And those poor people the vampires had controlled at the shelter. That was even worse.
All of those people were trying to kill you, Murph. You had to do it. You didnt have an option. You thought about it. You knew that when you pulled the trigger.
Do you think you had an option? she asked.
I shrugged and said, Maybe. Maybe not. I swallowed. The point is that I never bothered to consider it. Never hesitated. I just wanted them dead.
She was quiet for a long time.
What if the Council is right about me? I asked Murphy quietly. What if I grow into some kind of monster? One who takes life without consideration for anything but his own will. Who cares more about end than means. More about might than right. What if this is the first step?
Do you think it is? Murphy asked.
I dont
Because if you think so, Harry, then it probably is. And if you decide that it isnt, it probably isnt.
The power of positive thinking? I asked.
No. Free will, she said. You cant change what has already happened. But you choose what to do next. Which means that you only cross over to the dark side if you choose to do it.
What makes you think that I wont? I asked.
Murphy snorted, and reached over to touch my chin lightly with the fingers of one hand. Because Im not an idiot. Unlike some other people in this car.
I reached up and gripped her fingers with my right hand, squeezing gently. Her hand was steady and warm. Careful. That was almost a compliment.
Youre a decent man, Murphy said, lowering her hand without removing it from my fingers. Painfully oblivious, sometimes. But youve got a good heart. Its why youre so hard on yourself. Youre tired, hungry, and hurting, and you saw the bad guys do something you couldnt stop. Your morale is low. Thats all.
Her words were simple, frank, and direct. There was no sense of false comfort to her tone, not a trace of indulgent pity. Ive known Murphy for a while. I knew that she meant every single word. Knowing that I had her support, even in the face of violation of the laws she