to the middle and realized it was a farming almanac. I would look ridiculous pretending to read a farming almanac. The book under it, however, was the novel Mr. Northam had picked out.
What was I going to do? What choice should I make? Security with almost certain misery? Or heartache with a chance at love? I needed to make the decision, and I needed to make it now.
Was Gregory even still a choice? I looked up, hoping something in his expression would let me know, but only a disapproving frown greeted me.
What about how he’d held my hand? How he’d told me he didn’t want to be formal with me? Was that only when we were alone? Was it some sort of game to him, one he wasn’t willing to play when others were around?
Mr. Northam took the chair beside me and a new thought struck me: if I married Mr. Northam, how would I ever be able to face Gregory again?
I couldn’t. We would be forever lost to each other.
Yet our families would have to meet; we would have to endure each other’s presence. I would have to become acquainted with his wife.
No. That wasn’t what I wanted. I would never be strong enough for that.
Mr. Northam leaned close. “It is a shame, Miss Brinton, that we are always surrounded by others. Small gatherings do not afford the possibility of escape that larger ones do.”
“You are quite correct, Mr. Northam.”
“I had hoped to find a moment alone with you today. An uninterrupted moment.”
I flushed at the memory of our almost kiss, embarrassed by what I had been willing to settle for, mortified that I had remained in a room with him alone. What would have happened if Daniel hadn’t appeared?
A slow smile of pleasure grew on his face. Perhaps he believed I longed for another such moment. Maybe I should. But I couldn’t.
I didn’t want him.
Even if Gregory no longer wanted me, even if the appearance of his cousin had made him change his mind as his actions of the day seemed to imply, I still didn’t want Mr. Northam, or the security he offered me.
“Perhaps tomorrow will prove more fortuitous.” I kept my eyes locked on Mr. Northam, though my whole being wanted to look at Gregory.
“Then tomorrow can’t come soon enough.”
It was the escape I needed. I stood. “I couldn’t agree more. If you will excuse me, I am feeling overly tired.”
“Of course,” he replied, rising and taking my hand to kiss it.
Thirty-Three
I excused myself from the room. Gregory didn’t heed me, and as I made my way up the stairs, I despaired that Mr. Northam’s appearance had washed away any chance that had remained with Gregory.
Not that I’d wanted another chance.
Except now, I did.
When I neared the top, heavy steps sounded on the stairs, sending me scrambling into the shadows of the now-dark ballroom with a pounding heart. What would I say to Mr. Northam? Could he really not have waited for morning?
Gregory appeared in the doorway, his face hidden in shadow, his body outlined by the light spilling into the room from the hall behind him.
Had he come after me? Or had he come for some other purpose and didn’t know I was in the room? “My lord?” I moved into the soft glow of moonlight streaming through one of the windows.
He stepped into the room, leaving the door open. “I’m sorry if I startled you.”
I shrugged, but realized he probably couldn’t see my gesture. “Is there something you needed?”
His quiet laugh sounded scornful.
I waited a moment after the laughter died. “If there is nothing, I should go.”
He stalked forward. “I was given to understand that you have no fear of being alone with men in ballrooms.”
A gasp at his rudeness escaped me. Perhaps I had been correct in refusing him after all.
I stepped back. “On the contrary, it appears that men have no scruples about cornering me in ballrooms when what I wish for is solitude.”
“Is that what you wish for now?”
Did he have to ask a question that I couldn’t answer honestly? “Perhaps if I knew why you were here, I could better answer your question.”
His hand reached up as though to touch my cheek but then hesitated and fell back down. “I thought it would have been obvious.”
Disappointment flooded me at the lack of contact. “I assure you, nothing about this day has been obvious.”