The Program Page 0,54

but I have no choice. The Program has given me no choice but to hold on to what I can.

Roger opens my door and steps aside for me to walk in. When I pass him I smell the strong scent of mints, and I know I’ll never be able to taste peppermint again without gagging. I pause just inside the room, not looking at the bed.

When Roger shuts the door and locks it, I cross my arms over my chest. “First tell me what’s going to happen to Realm.”

Roger chuckles. “Oh, I’m sure Michael Realm will be just fine. He has a habit of getting out of things the rest of you are punished for.”

I furrow my brow. “What does that mean?”

“It means he’ll be back soon. Now I hope this isn’t why you took me aside, Sloane.” He cocks his head as if truly curious. I’m terrified.

“How do I know you can really give me my memories?”

“I can’t give you back your memories,” he says, almost apologetically. “What I can do is let you hold on to select memories. Block them from the antigens.”

“Antigens?”

“The little yellow pill you take,” he says. “It seeks out your memories, the ones that are targeted by Dr. Warren. First you take the red—a sort of truth serum, if you will. And while you talk, it acts like a dye, attaching itself to the thoughts. Then you take the yellow to wipe them all away. It’s not exact, but soon you’ll have less and less to sort through, and they’ll be easier to pinpoint.”

The pills—they’re eating my memories. Dr. Warren said they were just to relax me, but she lied. What else has she lied about?

“How can you help?” I ask Roger. “What can you do to stop them from erasing me?”

He reaches into his pocket and opens a small container. He pinches out a small purple pill. “This can save one stray thought, one thing you don’t want to lose. Of course, it might make you sick, but it could be worth the risk. And if you tell Dr. Warren about this, they’ll strip your mind completely. So if you take it, know that this has to stay between us.”

I look at the little pill he holds up, not sure if it can be true. If he’s just lying to do something horrible to me. “And what do you want in exchange?” I ask, fearing the answer.

He smiles then, the skin crinkling around his eyes. “I’m not a monster, Sloane. Maybe all I want is a kiss.” He pauses. “This time.”

“Bartering for sex?” I try to sound appalled, but I knew it would come to this. I knew and I still asked him here. I had just been hoping for a different answer.

“Course not,” he says. “Like I said, a kiss. A little affection. Affection is good for your therapy, Sloane. Did they not tell you that? In fact, I think you’ve already found that out yourself.”

I know he’s talking about Realm, but I don’t bother responding. He thinks Realm and I are in a relationship, but that will never happen. I’m going back to James.

I reach out and take the pill from Roger’s hands, examining it. “How does it work?”

“You’ll have to concentrate on a single memory. Then you swallow the pill and hold the thought. Don’t mix the memory with anything else or widen the scope, otherwise it won’t be clear in your head.”

I look between the pill and the handler, my throat dry and my hands clammy. It’s just a kiss, but it’s like he’s asking me to jump off a bridge. I can’t move any closer to him, and I feel my resolve start to fade.

“What’s it worth to you, Sloane?” he asks softly. “What’s your past worth?”

And with that a few tears leak out. I think of James. Brady and Miller. The part of me that won’t survive The Program. Maybe this one pill can change the outcome. Maybe it can save me.

“Just one kiss,” I tell him.

Roger laughs. “Yes, but I say how long. And it has to be good, Sloane. I want to feel your passion.”

I wipe hard at my face, pulling the skin roughly until it hurts. I slip the pill into the pocket of my robe and take an unsteady step forward. I look Roger straight in the eyes. “Make no mistake,” I whisper. “I hate you.”

He smiles. “I like a challenge.” He grabs me roughly, pinching my upper arm as he pulls me