The Program Page 0,113
he stares away. I trust him to find out what happened. I think then that I should get up, put my shirt on at least, but instead we stay like this for a long time, not saying anything else.
• • •
It’s nearly three a.m. when I get back out to the car, my headache little more than a dull throbbing now. I’d thought Realm would ask me to stay the night, but then he reminded me that my parents would probably report it if they woke up to find me missing. I didn’t want to leave, though. I liked the freedom of being off the grid, if even for a few hours. No one watching me—dissecting my movements. Tomorrow I might have a new handler to face, or at the very least, I’ll have to face my parents. I’ll have to face James.
Just then my phone vibrates in my pocket, and I smile, thinking it’s Realm, who wouldn’t give me his number but took mine. But when I look at the message, my heart skips a beat. It’s James.
“Don’t read it, Sloane,” I tell myself, dropping it onto the passenger seat before turning up the radio. I’m finally feeling decent for the first time in a while, and I don’t need him screwing it up. I make it through one light before picking the phone back up and checking it.
ARE YOU OKAY? FOR YES, FOR NO.
Idiot. I ignore him, continuing to drive home, thinking about what Realm said. That sometimes it’s better not to know. Maybe I should believe him. He has no reason to lie to me.
In my lap my phone buzzes with another message.
I’M IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE. COME OUTSIDE.
What is he doing at my house? I pull to the side of the road to type back a reply. A bitchy one. NOT HOME. JUST LEAVING REALM’S.
The minute I write it I want to take it back, the spike of guilt slamming me hard. Realm said that I’d loved James. Not just that he was my boyfriend, but that I loved him “madly.” I look at my phone, but it’s silent. I hate myself right now.
ON A ROMANTIC STORMY NIGHT? I’M SURE THAT DIDN’T GIVE HIM THE WRONG IDEA.
I groan. THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T CARE? First he pushes me away, and then has the nerve to—
I DON’T. NIGHT.
It’s like the bottom drops out, leaving me sick to my stomach. But I know what it is now—the emotion. Should I tell James about our past? Does he even deserve to know that we’d had a relationship?
I glance at the clock. It’s late, and I decide to shut off my phone, blocking James out of my life. I have to stay away from him. He’s toxic to me. And I don’t want to go back to The Program. I could never get through it again. So I pull back out onto the wet streets and find my way home, sneaking in without my parents ever hearing a thing.
• • •
I’m exhausted as I pull into Sumpter’s parking lot before school. There was no handler waiting on my porch when I left, so my mother let me borrow her car. I thanked her, even though it took all my restraint to not call her out on her lies about my brother. Either way, I assume I’m free from monitoring now—although I’ve gotten no confirmation from Realm or The Program.
When I get out, James is standing next to his father’s car, texting on his phone. Mine vibrates in my pocket, but I don’t even look at it. When I turned it on this morning, I had five missed messages. But even now, I don’t read them and just go inside the school.
In the past day have you felt lonely or overwhelmed?
NO. I scan the rest of the questions as I sit in first period and realize that I’m going to have to lie on this entire questionnaire. Filling in the rest, I stop at the last question, taking a breath.
Has anyone close to you ever committed suicide?
Yes. My brother—maybe others, too. But what do I fill in? The Program doesn’t think I know. They think they’ve stolen the memories away. I nearly break off the tip of my pencil filling in NO.
• • •
“Are you ignoring me?” James whispers as he walks past my desk in math class. He doesn’t wait for me to respond as he goes to sit in his seat, but his tone is clear. He’s annoyed. Well, he