your door if it were up to me. But I wasn’t thinking properly.”
“You must always come here, Donovan. But...is it necessary to go to such places?”
He sighed. “If it were possible to change my nature, I would have done so a long time ago. It’s not easy to be what society abhors. But I can’t change it and I won’t fight it. You know that.”
They’d had this conversation once before, shortly after Percy had died. He’d told her then that he’d not apologize for who he was or hide it from her. Hollis had been so grief-stricken that the thought of losing him had been more than she could bear. She’d never regretted it, but she did worry for him. And for herself, honestly. There were many in Mayfair who would make a pariah of her if they knew Donovan’s true nature. It was odd to her—they would titter and laugh over the idea that she was sleeping with her butler without much regard for the morality of it. She was a young widow, after all. But that her butler desired other men was something she knew many would never forgive. She knew this crowd well—two years ago, a man was hanged for the crime of buggery. “Donovan, I—”
“Where are you off to?” he asked, cutting off what more she would say about last night. He was not going to tell her more than he had.
She suppressed a sigh of exasperation. “To call on Beck.”
“At this time of the morning?” Donovan looped his neckcloth around his collar. “He won’t have had his breakfast.”
“Then I’ll join him as he dines. He complained I haven’t gone round to see him, so I thought I might.”
Donovan looked dubious. “Hmm... Has it anything to do with Mr. Brendan’s call last night?”
Hollis unthinkingly sat up straighter. “Of course not. Beck was very clear that he was displeased I never called. That’s all.” She’d learned this trick of diversion from Percy. He’d once complained that a man he often did business with never answered a question directly, but answered another one that hadn’t been asked, and before he knew it, they were talking about something else entirely.
But Donovan was not easily put off the scent. He looked her in the eye. “Did you learn anything from Mr. Brendan?”
Hollis hesitated only briefly before shaking her head. Oh, but she hated to lie to Donovan, but she’d given her word to a man last night who had kept something to himself for half his life. He trusted her.
“You’re certain?” Donovan asked skeptically.
“I don’t think a team of horses could drag anything out of that man.” That was not a lie, at least. But Hollis thought it best to be on her way before she found herself talked into a corner she could not talk herself out of. She stood up, walked to Donovan, and pressed her palm against his cheek. “Please be careful. I’d be utterly lost without you.”
He gave her a wry smile and wrapped his hand around her wrist. “You would not be lost without me, Hollis. You would miss me, I would hope, but you’d be perfectly fine.”
“That’s what you think. I can’t do without you.”
“I think you do very well without me all the time.” He pulled down her hand and laced his fingers with hers. “Should you not prepare for the possibility of it? One day you will want someone or something more than this.”
“For heaven’s sake.” She yanked her hand free of his. “Why would you say such a thing?”
“Because it’s true.” Donovan turned back to the mirror to tie his neckcloth.
Hollis turned away from him before he could see the wild fear in her eyes. Do without Donovan? That was impossible. Whom would she talk to? Who would tell her the truth? Who would be there when the nights were the longest and coldest and loneliest? “I really must go. I don’t want to miss Beck.”
“Good day, madam,” Donovan said.
She walked to his door and glanced back. “Take care,” she said softly. She didn’t wait for him to assure her he would when they both knew he wouldn’t change a thing.
She was determined that her ebullient mood return to her on the brisk walk to Beck’s house. She had a purpose, an important task, and it mattered to someone other than her. By the time she reached Beck’s doorstep, she was smiling again.
Garrett, the longtime butler at the Hawke home, gave Hollis the barest ghost of a smile when he opened