a weight around his neck. Looking down, he stared at the purple dethrenyte on a delicate gold chain. He could feel the warmth of Castien’s telepathic mark inside it as the gemstone rested against his chest. The chain was longer than the traditional ribbons of a thaal: not to be displayed proudly, but to be hidden away from everyone else.
Eridan’s throat was suddenly too tight. This was something only the two of them would know about. He both loved and hated the idea.
He loved that Castien was breaking the rules for him by giving him something a Master gave only to an apprentice. He hated that while this gemstone was perfectly functional for the purpose of centering him, it wasn’t a thaal. He could never again wear a thaal that would mark him as his Master’s to everyone who cared to look.
Fucking hell, how messed up was that? He finally had a family. Why the fuck did he still feel this way? So unanchored, yearning to belong to this cold, unfeeling man who had never promised him anything of the sort. Eridan had never hated himself more. His eyes were stinging, and he had to blink the angry tears away. He was glad his back was to Castien, and his former Master wouldn’t see how pathetic he was being.
Biting the inside of his cheek, Eridan said tersely, “Thanks. Though I suppose I will not need it once you block off the throwback part of my brain.”
He felt the tension in Castien’s body behind him, almost as acutely as if it were his own.
“Are you certain you want to do it?” Castien said. “That could affect your telepathy. Not to mention it will affect your body too—quite drastically, since the hormones responsible for some of your bodily functions will no longer be produced.”
Eridan’s lips twisted. “You mean I’ll stop leaking like a bitch in heat when I’m aroused? Good riddance.”
Putting a hand on his shoulder, Castien turned Eridan around. His face was grim, his blue eyes intent as their gazes met. “It is not a joking matter, Eridan. I obviously have no personal experience with this, but I am familiar with the reports of throwbacks that went through such a procedure. All of them reported significant disorientation, and for some of them the experience was very traumatizing. They said it felt as though they were in a wrong body.”
Eridan smiled humorlessly. “Don’t tell me you are worried for me.”
Castien’s face went blank. “I said no such thing. You are no longer my apprentice. Worrying for you is not my job anymore.”
“Exactly. Let’s get it over with. But before we start, I have a request.” He looked Castien in the eye and forced the words out. “I want you to erase all my memories of you.”
Castien’s nostrils flared. “You cannot be serious.”
“I’m very serious, Master,” Eridan said softly.
Castien stared at him.
The silence stretched, tense and thick.
“You would lose a significant amount of your knowledge, everything I have ever taught you.”
Eridan nodded. “I know. It’s fine.” As long as I don’t remember you. He didn’t say it aloud, but he knew Castien knew what he meant. He could sense it from the way Castien’s telepathic presence tensed and pulsed around him, restless.
“This is ridiculous, Eridan,” he bit out. “Just because you are embarrassed by your imprinting—”
“I’m not embarrassed,” Eridan said quietly and finally admitted something he’d been denying even in the privacy of his thoughts. “It hurts, Master.”
Castien went very still.
Eridan gave a humorless little laugh. “You may not have those pesky feelings, but I do. You know me, you know that my emotions rule me. I can’t…” He swallowed. “I’m not at all sure blocking off my throwback instincts will do anything. It’s not just my hindbrain. It’s—”
“Don’t,” Castien said, his expression slightly pinched.
“No, I need to say this.” Eridan smiled brightly, as if his eyes weren’t burning and his throat wasn’t uncomfortably tight. “I will have to inconvenience you with my icky emotions just this once. I…” He looked around the luxurious room. “I finally have a family. A brother who loves me. I want to be happy. I want to be genuinely happy instead of needing a man who doesn’t give a shit about me. I don’t want to need you.” He looked Castien in the eye. “I don’t want to love you.”
Castien’s jaw tightened.
Eridan chuckled. “Don’t pretend you didn’t know, Master. You know everything. You use other people’s emotions to manipulate them, so I’d never believe that you have