say it all. And it will be nice to hear it, just once, you know? I feel like he’s saving it all up for then, and it makes me feel all warm and gushy. Does that sound stupid?’
I stroke her hair. ‘It doesn’t sound stupid at all.’
‘I’m really looking forward to it.’
I turn to her and cup her face, like I’m the romantic lead in a film. ‘You’re beautiful, Chrissy,’ I say, in a macho voice. ‘And you’re so smart, and kind, and I’m so so lucky to have you in my life.’
She giggles, and I do too. ‘The funny thing is that, even though you’re a girl, and you’re joking, it does still feel really nice to hear it,’ she laughs, before launching herself at me for a hug, her hair getting up my nose. ‘I really want it to happen to you,’ she says, mid-hug, pulling me tighter. ‘It will honey, I promise. You’re too amazing to end up alone.’
The hug feels suffocating. I have a deep urge to push her away, push her into the sea. I clamp my eyes shut and feel the bottom of my stomach drop out. I don’t like being the charity case. I can’t stand that I’ve become this one.
‘I’ve met someone actually.’
Chrissy pulls away. ‘What?’ Her eyes light up from the moon.
‘It’s still really new. He’s called Joshua.’
‘Oh my God, why haven’t you told me?’
‘It’s your hen do. It’s not about me, it’s all about you.’
‘But I want to know. Wow! Joshua! What a great name.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘So, tell me everything!’ She’s grasping both of my hands. She’s so happy for me, that I’ve got there. Well, that I’ve got a chance to get there.
‘There’s not much to tell yet. As I said, it’s really new. He works as a coder. Umm, he has his own flat …’
‘Great, great. Pictures?’
I retrieve my phone, pulling up a selfie he sent me the other day of him on a ‘training walk’ up Hampstead Heath. ‘He’s a bit sweaty in this one.’
She snatches the phone off me. ‘Oooo, cute! I like the look of his face. He looks kind. Do you have any more?’ She starts swiping through my pictures, finding additional shots, zooming in, telling me all the things that she can tell are good about him from the photos. I look over her shoulder, seeing him again through her new eyes and I feel … pride bubble in me, a smile sneaking up my cheeks, warmth in my stomach. Oh God, this is not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. And yet it feels wonderful.
My phone’s returned with another hug. ‘I’m so happy for you,’ she says. ‘You so deserve this.’
What a strange thing to say, I think, but the thought is then lost in a Sambuca fog. Lost in the feeling of this moment. How nice it is to be the girl who has found the boy and it looks like it’s really going somewhere. The relief from others, from yourself. I find myself floating out of my body for a moment, and watching us, two friends, drunk, on the beach, hugging one another and sharing gossip about ‘our guys’. The belongingness of it.
Though this moment doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to Gretel.
Chrissy’s hug judders to a halt and I’m held at arm’s length again. ‘You have to bring him to the wedding!’ she says, so excited by the thought it’s like she’s discovered gravity.
‘What?’
‘As your plus one! You must bring him.’
I’m looking at my hands, twisting them in my lap, imagining how to get through that day without anyone calling me April. ‘Oh, I’m not sure. I don’t know. I mean, he might be busy.’
‘At least ask him. Yay! I can’t wait to meet him. I knew it would happen for you, April. I never gave up hope. Even if you did.’
‘Shall we go in and find the others?’ I’m already standing up, turning my heels upside down to dislodge the pebbles that have taken refuge in there.
‘But it’s so hot.’
‘Come on Hen,’ I hold out my hand to yank her up. ‘You only get one hen do.’ We both make a noise of exertion as I pull her to her feet.
‘Let’s hope so.’
We link arms, two old friends, and pick our way across the stones to get back to the club, leaving the black ocean behind us.
I stumble through our flat door, eyes red, the stench of last night all over me, random drunken bruises coming