the Allen House, threatened to file theft and trespassing charges against me if I insisted on pursuing this. After that, it was justification after justification. He asked what I was wearing, as if that had anything to do with it. Asked if I’d been drinking. Brought up the fact I’d admitted we’d grown close after both being regulars at the same coffee shop. Then that I’d kissed him, insinuating that I should have anticipated something more would happen. Anything to poke holes in my claim.”
“That’s so fucked up,” I choke out.
“I know.”
“So…nothing happened? He got away with it?”
She nods. “He did. After all, Jay had a bright future ahead of him,” she says in a mocking tone. “If they were to file charges, it would destroy his life, his marriage, all for, and I quote, ‘simply a guilty conscience on your part after you’d made the decision to cheat on your husband’. So not only was I fucked by this guy against my will, I was fucked by the system, too. The system that’s supposed to be in place to protect me.” She pinches her lips together in contemplation. “Then again, that’s not entirely true. The system only seems interested in protecting white men. No offense.”
“What did you do?”
“The only thing I could. I graduated and headed home. Or at least my new home. I actually looked forward to seeing Sawyer, to focusing on our marriage. After everything, I just wanted to feel love. Find some sort of normalcy. But that’s the thing they don’t tell you after you go through something like this. Life will never be normal again. You can’t just return to before. There is no before. There’s only after. Putting one foot in front of the other to make it to the next day. Many victims can’t even do that. You’re stuck. I suppose I still am.”
“Did you tell Sawyer what happened?” I ask in a low voice, my tone free of judgment.
“I hadn’t planned on it, as horrible as that sounds. After the police didn’t believe me, I started to question what really happened myself. So once I was home, I made an appointment at a clinic. Unfortunately, someone from Sawyer’s church saw me there and brought it up to him. He asked me why I went there when I had an OB closer to home. I had no choice but to come clean. Tell him everything that happened. And I told him…”
“Yes?”
“That the reason I’d gone to that clinic was to terminate the pregnancy.” She shifts her tear-filled eyes to mine. “It wasn’t an easy decision. Trust me. I didn’t enter into it lightly. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I had to carry that man’s baby for nine months. How I would feel every time I looked at the baby and saw his features. And I knew I wasn’t strong enough to do that. That I wouldn’t survive. So, unlike my father, I chose myself over my baby.”
“How did Sawyer take the news?”
She laughs under her breath, her annoyance clear. “He called me every name under the sun. Blamed me. Accused me of lying about the assault altogether. Claimed the baby was the result of a consensual affair and the only reason I confessed was because I was now carrying evidence of the affair. That if I were telling the truth, the police would have filed charges, which they didn’t.
“I couldn’t believe it. I thought he’d understand. Sawyer had always been an outspoken advocate for civil rights, especially in matters of national importance. He’d routinely accuse police departments of not believing black victims, but when it came to his own wife, he didn’t give a shit. He treated me like I was no one. Like I was the one to blame, when all I’d wanted was for him to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. That he would support me and do whatever it took to help me get through this.
“Instead, he insisted I do something to get right with God. That I confess my sins in front of the entire church. Only then would he consider forgiving me for my supposed betrayal.”
“And if you refused?”
“Then he’d have no choice but to cut all ties with me. He said he couldn’t respect someone who didn’t value the sanctity of marriage. Who didn’t value human life like they preach in the Bible. He didn’t care that the baby was the result of rape. In his mind,