Poison & Wine - Melissa Toppen Page 0,86
her sitting on her bed reading a book. Obviously, she has no idea what the words on the page say, but she likes to look at the pictures and tell her own story based on what she sees.
“Hey, baby.” I give her a soft smile. “What do you say to a sleepover in my room tonight?” I ask.
Her eyes light up and a big smile pulls up her little cheeks. Without a word, she climbs off her bed and starts grabbing as many stuffed animals as she can fit into her arms.
I don’t generally let her sleep in my bed because I don’t want to make it to where she won’t sleep in her own, but tonight I feel like I need to be near her.
It’s a little earlier than her normal bedtime, but not too early that I think either of us will have any trouble falling asleep, especially given how mentally and physically drained I feel.
“We’re ready,” she announces seconds later, sliding past me in the doorway as she carries her elephant, Scooter the giraffe, and Piper the panda across the hall into my room.
A few minutes later we’re tucking under my blankets, Ellie’s small little frame turned into mine as she sleeps peacefully. I knew it wouldn’t take her long, but I didn’t expect her to be asleep five minutes after her head hit the pillow. Guess she was tired too.
I stare up at the dark ceiling, my fingers sliding through Ellie’s soft curls as I think back to everything that happened today.
I want to believe that I wasn’t in the wrong. That I did the right thing in asking him to take that test. But even I have to admit that the way I went about it wasn’t right.
He was right when he said I didn’t give him a chance to explain. I was so sure that I knew the truth – my belief fueled by fear – that I wouldn’t listen to a word he had to say.
I’m not proud of how I behaved. Honestly, I’m downright ashamed. But the end result likely would have been the same no matter how I approached it. I would have asked him to take the test regardless of where he had been. And maybe that’s controlling of me, but when it comes to the well-being of my daughter, there isn’t a line I won’t cross. Screw hurting someone’s feelings. That’s the least of my concerns.
But still, he went out of his way to do something kind for me, ended up spending the night on a bus bench to make it happen, and I repay him by attacking him and making accusations I had no right to make.
Maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe this was never going to work. No matter how happy he makes me, the doubt will always be there, nagging me in the back of my mind. I’ll always jump to the worse-case scenario. I’ll always think of the bad times. I don’t see how that is ever going to change. And Jace deserves more than that. He deserves someone who will love him for who he is now and not judge him on who he used to be.
As impossible as it feels, I think it’s time to let the dream of us together go. No matter how much it may hurt, I think in the long run it’s what’s best for everyone.
“Mama,” Ellie grumbles, tossing her little arm across my stomach.
“Go back to sleep, baby,” I whisper, not sure what might have woken her.
“Mama, where’s Wace?” The tears I’ve been holding back break free, sliding silently down my cheeks.
It takes me a few seconds to pull myself together enough to answer her without giving away that I’m crying.
“He went to stay with a friend,” I tell her, not sure what else to say.
“Is he coming back?”
“I’m not sure.” My voice breaks.
“I hope he does. Elephant likes him a lot.”
“You like him too, huh?” I smooth my hand over her hair.
“Uh huh.” She yawns.
“Ellie, can I tell you something?” I don’t wait for her to answer before continuing, “Jace isn’t only mommy’s friend.” I pause, swallowing hard. “He’s your daddy.”
“My daddy?” I feel her little head pop up, but because it’s dark I can’t make out her face.
“Uh huh.” More tears slide down my face. “What do you think about that?” I ask.
“Can I call him Daddy instead of Wace?” she asks, her young innocence such a blessing in this moment.
She doesn’t realize what a big