okay
if Xiomara comes and braids my hair?”
I can tell Mami wants to chew me out
but she can never say no to Caridad.
At her house, Caridad sits between my legs,
and I run the comb through her long thick hair.
I learned to braid when Mami
didn’t have time to do mine anymore.
“Two long braids? I can make you look
like Cardi B for Halloween.”
I love the reality TV star, but she’s everything Caridad isn’t.
Caridad gives me a smirk and nods her head.
“Sure. I’ll put on old episodes of Love & Hip Hop
so you can feel inspired.”
Even after I’m done braiding, we sit and watch two more episodes.
Maybe, the only thing that has to make sense
about being somebody’s friend
is that you help them be their best self
on any given day. That you give them a home
when they don’t want to be in their own.
At least I have a feeling if I asked, that’s exactly
what Caridad would say.
Tomorrow is going to be a long-ass day.
But here and now, it’s okay.
Monday, October 29
Fights
On Monday afternoon,
I lean against the gate of Twin’s genius school.
When Aman asked why I was taking a train downtown
I kissed it off, but I’m sure he’ll bring it up later.
So much happened this weekend,
but still I prepared myself for what I knew
I would have to do this afternoon.
Twin gets out an hour later than I do,
and as the kids start filing out after the bell
I spot Twin shuffling my way, but he’s not alone.
He’s with a tall, red-haired boy,
with fingers the color of milk
that brush lint off my brother’s sweater softly
the way Aman sometimes squeezes my hand.
Xavier.
Twin’s name never leaves my lips
but somehow he hears me think it.
His head pops in my direction
like a bobble-head doll.
He stumbles back from the white boy so fast
he almost trips on his shoes.
I look between them, confirming what I’ve always known.
Twin rushes my way and speaks into my ear.
“Xiomara, what are you doing here?”
And I don’t need to tell him
I came to knock my knuckles into someone’s face.
To redeem his black eye.
To let them know Twin isn’t alone.
“You shouldn’t have come to my school.
I don’t need you to fight for me anymore.”
There is a balloon where my heart used to be
and it whooshes air out at the prick of his words.
I look at the boy who gazes at Twin
with love all over his face.
“Leave it alone, Xiomara,”
I think Twin says. But it sounds more like:
“Leave me alone.”
Scrapping
I’m not stupid, you know.
I know I’m not gonna be thirty
fighting grown-ass men.
I know I’m not always going to be
bigger and meaner than the boys
in my grade. I know one day,
they’ll be stronger and hit back harder.
I know I won’t always intimidate girls
with my height, with my hard hands.
I know I won’t be able to defend Twin
forever. But I thought when it happened
it would be because he would fight for himself,
not just find someone else to protect him.
What We Don’t Say
On the train ride home
Twin steps into his feelings
like they’re a gated-off room
I don’t have visitation rights to.
He spends the entire time
playing chess on his phone.
“Twin. I know you’ve probably felt this way
your whole entire life but
if Mami and Papi find out about White Boy
they will legit kill you.”
His fingers move a rook across the screen,
attacking some imaginary opponent.
“Cody. Not White Boy.
And I know what Mami and Papi will say.
What you’re going to say, too.”
But I don’t even know what I’m going to say.
I only know I’ve always wanted to keep him safe,
but this makes him a target
and I can’t defend against the arrows I know are coming.
Gay
I’ve always known.
Without knowing.
That Twin was.
We never said.
I think he was scared.
I think I was, too.
He’s Mami’s miracle.
He would become her sin.
I guess I hoped.
If I didn’t ever really know.
It would be like he wasn’t.
But maybe my silence.
Just made him feel more alone.
Maybe my silence.
Condones the ugly things people think.
All that I know.
Is that I don’t know
how to move forward
from this.
Feeling Off When Twin Is Mad
A part of myself rebels against the discord.
It might sound dumb, and not all twins are like us,
but when he’s angry it throws me off.
I can’t think of anything but him being upset
and I’m afraid anything I say will make him angrier.
I don’t even know what I did wrong.
I’ve been fighting dudes for Twin my whole life.
Why did he think I wouldn’t show up at his school?
Not even Aman’s emoji smiley faces
and links to Ja Rule’s old romantic rap videos
are enough to make me feel better.
Rough Draft of Assignment 3—Describe someone you consider misunderstood by society.
When I was little
Mami was