“It’s what I do, Sophie. It’s all I know. I don’t let anyone in,” I admit for the first time ever.
“Why? Why do you push everyone away?”
“If you don’t let anyone close, it doesn’t hurt when you lose them.” I don't have to see a shrink to know this is what I’m doing. I keep everybody at arm’s length.
“Who did you lose?” Sophie asks, eyes wide. I’m not surprised she put one and one together. She’s a smart girl, and she deserves an answer.
“My sister,” I answer, my voice void of any emotion. Even after all these years, the memory of losing her still rips my insides apart. “She died when she was just a little girl. I was still a kid myself. Losing her killed me…it killed my parents too.”
“I’m sorry, Roman…I really am, but what kind of life are you going to have if you never let anyone get close?”
I shrug. “It’s worked well thus far.”
“But are you happy?” Of course not. I don’t tell her that, though. There is no happiness for me. The drugs make life bearable…easy, but happy? Fuck no.
She makes me happy. When I’m with her, I feel like I don’t need the drugs anymore. Being with her feels like freedom.
“It doesn't matter, Sophie.”
“But it does,” she whispers. “What about your parents?”
“My mom drank herself to death after Mira died, and my father hardly looked at me and Ivan after everything happened. He always said we reminded him too much of everything he lost. As soon as we were old enough, he left…” I pause, thinking back to that day, the way he looked at us like we were nothing to him. He told Ivan he could take care of me now that he was eighteen…which only made things worse between us. Whether or not I wanted to believe it, I always blamed Ivan for Mira’s death and everything we lost.
“We haven’t heard from him since, and I’m thankful for it. I’m not sure I would want to see him if he did show up.”
I expect her to tell me how sorry she is yet again, but she just unfolds her arms and legs so she can scoot closer to me. The second I feel the heat of her body and her floral scent hits my nostrils, I’m melting. Her arms snake around my middle, and she pulls me into a tight hug. I wrap my arms around her and pull her even closer, needing her everywhere—inside me, on me. And just like a drug, she makes me feel better. It’s as if her touch gives me some kind of high—a new found pleasure heightened only by her touch. We sit like that, her ear pressed against my chest, listening to each other breathe. The moment seems so intimate, so deep, but when she starts to shiver in my arms, I know it’s time to get inside.
“Come on. You’re getting cold out here and I can’t risk you getting sick.” I pull her to her feet as I get up. When I realize she’s barefoot, I lean down and pick her up.
Cradling her to my chest, her arms wrapped around my neck, I carry her back up to the house. She doesn’t protest, and thank fuck, because all I want is to hold her and tell her how sorry I am.
Once we get closer to the house, I stop, seeing some people are still leaving through the front door. I don’t want to chance running into anybody, so I walk around to the backyard. Just as I reach the patio, I remember the body in the hallway.
Shit, it’s going to take Dev some time to get that cleaned up. Since I don’t want Sophie to have to see him again, even dead, I decide to go to the guesthouse by the pool.
Even in the very dim light, I can see Sophie is looking up at me with confusion though she doesn't ask where I’m taking her. Again, I’m reminded of how much she trusts me. After everything I did today, I am the last person she should trust.
I set her down on her feet when we get to the door and enter the code into the lock box. The alarm disengages, and I hear the lock unlock.
I take her hand into mine, having the urge to just keep touching her, and open the door. I usher her inside with me and flip on the light switch right beside the door.