Perfectly Lonely - Jessica Marin Page 0,1

and has embarked on another journey in love that will not be easy for her.

But when has love ever been easy for anyone?

Sighing, I kiss the grass above you and get up to depart. I look at your headstone one last time before I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and slowly exhale out the silent promises I make to you.

I promise to make better choices for myself.

I promise to start loving myself again.

I promise to be a better role model to Avery, our beautiful goddaughter that Jenna so crazily trusts me with.

I promise to start making you proud again, Charlie.

I turn around and walk back to the car, praying that I can keep my promises.

1

Layla

Present Day

“Where to, miss?” the cab driver asks as I shut the door after entering his car. I blink rapidly to try to clear the fog of tiredness that is clouding my brain. I just got off the red eye flight from a business trip to Los Angeles and I’m so happy to be back home in my beloved city of Chicago. I glance at my watch to see it’s seven in the morning. I should try to get some sleep before working on my report about the trip. Instead I give the cab driver Jenna’s address, deciding to spend the morning with my two favorite people. Jenna has been by herself with Avery while her boyfriend and father of her child, Hollywood actor Cal Harrington, has been shooting his latest movie in Thailand. I’ve been trying to stay with her as much as I can, being a good best friend and godmother by helping out during a trying time in her new relationship. But if I’m being honest with myself, the real reason is because I don’t want to be alone.

The first few years after my husband’s death, I relished in being alone. I didn’t have to pretend to be okay. I didn’t have to smile when I didn’t feel like smiling. I could be free to wallow in my self-pity and anger toward his death. I didn’t want to see anyone and the only person I allowed in on a constant basis was Jenna. Not that I had a choice in the matter. She bulldozed her way into my life every single day after Charlie died. If she didn’t see me in person, then she was constantly texting or calling. If I didn’t answer her back in a timely manner, she was on my door step, especially after I deliberately overdosed on pills a couple of months after his passing. I believed my life had no meaning to it anymore, and therefore, no sense in living if he wasn’t going to be in it with me. So in my drunken state, I swallowed as many Xanax as I could, chasing them down with a bottle of vodka. When I woke up the next day in the hospital, Jenna’s face was the first to come into focus. She was sitting next to the bed, her thumb softly rubbing the skin on top of my hand that didn’t have an IV in it. Her eyes were bloodshot and wild looking — a combination of sorrow and despair raging in them. That look still haunts me, but it was her first words to me that are on constant repeat when my thoughts turn dark:

“Don’t you ever think of leaving me again!”

I shake my head to clear the shame and guilt from the memories of that day and try to focus my thoughts on my current situation — how I hate the loneliness I feel when I’m in my apartment and the disgust for my job. I work for a premium spirits and wine company in the sponsorship department. I started out as a brand manager, supplying local customers with our liquors for their establishments. Charlie and I were a very social couple, so it was fun to have him and our friends meet up at one of my client’s bars for drinks after work. But after Charlie died, I needed a distraction. I applied for a position in the sponsorship department, knowing that the new job required heavy traveling to land big accounts and set up VIP parties around the country using our alcohol. It was exactly what I needed — or so I thought. I needed to get away from my apartment where the memories of Charlie were everywhere. I needed to get away from the city and especially away from the pity still