to thunk on the steering wheel. Another repeated action. The solid force on her brain helped. It gave her something to focus on instead of the tumbling maze of her thoughts. It was a small trick carried over from months spent fighting cancer, hours and hours getting chemo, enduring radiation and lying in a bed.
Was she imagining the dynamic with Henrik? Taking advantage of his generous nature? She didn’t want to be—wasn’t—like the other women, was she?
No. She wasn’t using him. She wasn’t searching for a baby daddy or trying to trick him into being one. Fuck Aiden and his stupid mouth.
She cringed, her mother’s reprimand for her curse echoing in her mind. Sorry, Mom.
The silence ticked by on the buffer of the wind as it gusted against her car. The cold was seeping in, staking a claim on the lingering heat of her anger. The burn in her stomach faded to a shallow simmer after she swallowed an antacid tablet.
She wasn’t taking advantage of Henrik. She’d refused his outrageous gift even though she’d silently salivated over the lavish instrument. She hadn’t placed demands on his time or made a show of being seen on his arm. The only thing she’d taken from him was sex.
Mutually gratifying sex. Amazing, mind-blowing sex. Sex that’d empowered and comforted her.
And he wanted more than sex. He’d told her that from the start.
Her snort was so full of self-scorn she choked on it. The harsh edges of the truth stripped away the last of the heat until she shivered.
Maybe she wasn’t using him like the other women, but she wasn’t any better than them. Because by her own definition, she was using him. For sex.
When she really, really wanted the more he was asking for.
Could she do it though? Be strong enough, trusting enough, brave enough to try?
She straightened, brushed away the additional tears from her cheeks. Henrik would never push her, she sensed that. Never force or drop an ultimatum on her either.
He’d take what she gave him until she changed her mind and he’d go with whatever she decided. He wasn’t a fighter off the ice, especially with women. He wasn’t a callous user either. She could be wrong on all that, could be assuming a lot based on a little over a month of knowing him, but she didn’t think she was.
He deserved better than that. Much better than what she’d been giving him.
They both did.
Chapter Fifteen
“Are you all right?” Henrik’s soft prodding was accompanied by his big hands on her shoulders, a gentle rub following.
Jacqui’s groan was instantaneous when he hit the two balls of tension on the tip of each shoulder blade. Her head fell forward, another moan of approval tumbling out as he prodded the knots.
“I used to get these when I played every day.”
She caught his slip around the sigh of relief singing through her muscles. Played every day. He wasn’t referring to hockey. He still played that every day.
She opened her eyes and leaned back to rest against his chest. His arms came around her to hug her close. Another storm was blowing in, the rain already starting. It pelted Henrik’s big windows with wet patters of nature’s annoyance.
The darkening sky had her body clock thinking it was later than it was. The time change always threw it off. Every year she had to fight the urge to put on her PJ’s and snuggle in for the evening, even though it was only four-thirty.
The idea of doing just that with Henrik, curling into his side on his big couch, was both soothing and heartbreaking. Most nights during the winter months he’d be at an ice rink either here or someplace around North America, and she’d be at the music store working.
“What are you thinking about?”
You. He’d pretty much been on her mind nonstop for days. “How nice this is.”
“I do this a lot.” He squeezed her lightly, a kiss pressing onto the top of her head. “The view is...soothing.”
She clamped her eyes closed, the kiss sinking down her skull to melt over her shoulders and down her spine. Was it possible to feel a kiss all the way to her bones? “It is,” she agreed. “But I was talking about being here with you.” He had the night off. No game. No practice. No plane to catch.
“This is really nice.” His chest rose and fell against her back, each slow breath a calming rhythm she tried to match but couldn’t.