I shimmy out of bed as best as I can and stand, holding onto Zoey as she clings to me.
“Hang on,” I call out. I move aside the shades and glance out the front window, noticing Beau’s big black pickup is parked in the driveway.
“It’s okay, Zoey, it’s just Uncle Beau.”
She lifts her head from my shoulder and I open the door. He enters without asking, taking Zoey from my arms immediately and holding her tight, burying his face into the crook of her neck. He looks up at me and holds out an arm for me and I fall into his strong embrace.
No words are spoken, the only sounds to be heard in the living room are of our cries. Beau shifts his hold on Zoey and she wraps her arms and legs around him. He takes a seat on the couch and I sit next to them, keeping a hand on Zoey’s back. Over her head, our eyes connect and I see so much sadness in the depths of his hazel eyes, I feel my heart breaking all over again.
Zoey sits back a little and looks at Beau, holding his face between her little chubby hands. “My daddy went to heaven, Unca Beau.”
“I know, Squirt. I know.”
“I want him to come back.”
“Me, too.“
“Can you make him come back? He said you’re so strong, you can do anyfing,” Zoey says, looking so closely at Beau like she’s willing him to make it happen for her. A tear slides down his cheek and he leans forward, resting his forehead against hers.
“I wish I could, Squirt. You don’t know how much I wish that I could make him come back. But it’s not how it works. I guess God thought it was time for him to be with Him and he’s going to help God keep an eye on us.”
Her eyes widen and she gasps. “He can do vat? Weally?”
Beau wipes her cheeks with his thumb and tugs her closer. “Yeah, really. Your daddy was so important that God needed his help in heaven. We might not have been ready to let him go, yet, but I know God’s taking care of him.”
Her lower lip trembles. “I still want him here.”
“I do, too, Squirt,” he says, hugging her tightly. “I do, too.”
The two cry together for minutes, hours, I don’t know how long. What I do know, is that when she falls asleep in his arms, he doesn’t move her right away. The two have always had a special bond, though Zoey is easy to bond with. After one more squeeze and kiss to her head, he stands and carries her to her room but when he shifts to lay her down, she starts whimpering, eyes opening wide on alert.
“No. Don’t go.”
He looks at me with such sadness that more tears spring to my eyes. “What do you mean, Squirt? You need sleep.”
“Mommy’s room,” she mutters, shaking her head and pointing in the direction of my bedroom.
I nod to let him know it’s okay and he lifts her back up and carries her to my bedroom. I lie down and he places her next to me after kissing her cheek.
“Love you, Squirt.”
“Love you, Beau,” she murmurs while burying her head into the pillow. He starts for the door and she bolts up in bed crying out, “No! You can’t go!”
He scrunches his eyebrows and then Zoey pats the spot next to her, indicating that she wants him to lie down with us. His eyes shoot to mine and I know he’s worried he’s overstepping but right now I’ll do anything to help my baby girl feel more comfortable.
I motion for him to lie down and after he removes his shoes, he climbs in on the other side of her. Together, we help Zoey fall asleep. Over my daughter’s head, our eyes connect.
I can see the sadness written across his face. He and Chris weren’t just brothers, they were friends. Sliding a hand over Zoey, I take hold of his and squeeze lightly.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“Me, too. I went to my parents’ house and couldn’t even make myself go inside. Not yet. Which makes me a shitty person because I know they need me right now but…”
“It’s just too real? Too soon?” I ask quietly, guessing.
He nods against the pillow. “Yeah.” His gaze shifts down to her sleeping form and he kisses the back of her head, his eyes falling shut for a moment. “And… I just kept thinking about Zoey