husband, Cody.”
He hadn’t even noticed there was a guy seated with her at the table. And he was holding a little girl with Kerrie’s dark hair and Jude’s big green eyes. He sucked in a breath and took the guy’s outstretched hand.
“I know it’s probably a little weird to bring my current husband to meet my ex-husband,” Kerrie said. “But I wanted you to meet Sienna but then also for us to be able to talk. So Cody’s gonna take Sienna to the park in a little bit.”
Jake nodded, his throat tightening. He couldn’t take his eyes off Sienna. She had a way of tilting her head that was just like Jude.
“I’m sorry for your loss, man,” Cody said. “We talk about Jude all the time. Sienna has a picture of him in her room.”
Kerrie opened a locket she was wearing around her neck and held it out to him. There were two tiny pictures inside—one of Sienna and one of Jude.
If Jake had imagined being undone by this meeting, he had imagined it being the result of a magnified dose of grief, his constant, persistent companion. He hadn’t imagined it being the result of kindness.
He swiped at the tears that were starting to fall.
“Actually, should we all go to the park?” Kerrie asked gently, and he could only nod.
The short walk to a nearby school playground allowed him a moment to get himself together. Kerrie, walking beside him, was silent, and Cody pushed Sienna in the stroller at a pretty good pace, which was putting them farther and farther ahead. Jake suspected he was doing it on purpose, and he appreciated it.
For some reason, it made him think of Jamila and his dad. Jamila and her prayers.
Of the way some people’s happiness could depend on other people’s loss.
Of the way some of those people had enough grace to acknowledge that. To honor it, even.
“How do I do this?” he said. He could feel Kerrie’s attention on him, and she probably had no idea what he was talking about, so he gestured up at her husband and daughter.
“What’s happened, Jake?”
“I accidentally fell in love, and she’s pregnant.”
Kerrie’s delighted laugh drew his attention. She stopped walking, so he did, too. Thought about what he’d just said. I accidentally fell in love.
He hadn’t articulated it that way before, even to himself. But as had been happening to him lately, he recognized the truth as it was coming out of his mouth, as he was surprising himself with it.
He loved Nora Walsh, the pixie doctor who was only staying in town for two years. He loved her zombies and her thoughtful questions and the clear-eyed, unflinching way she looked at the world. He loved the hair on her head and the brain inside it. He loved how much she loved the lake and his cove.
He loved her stupid, tiny dog named after the wrong band.
“Congratulations,” Kerrie said. “That’s wonderful.”
“It doesn’t feel wonderful.”
“What does it feel like?”
“It feels like I’m betraying him.”
“I know,” she said.
He was startled by her easy agreement.
She went on. “Like, how can you just carry on and be happy when he’s dead—right?”
He sucked in a breath. That was it. That was exactly it. “It’s the same with you?”
“I used to feel that way, but not anymore.” When he didn’t say anything—he wasn’t sure what to say—she kept talking. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you really need to talk to someone. That grief counselor I told you about or someone like her. I know when you’re in it, it feels like the biggest, most unique thing that’s ever happened to anyone. But what you’re feeling is textbook. And there are things you can do, simple things, to help. You don’t have to feel that way anymore.”
“But what if I don’t want to stop feeling it?” What if he didn’t want to give up the waves?
“Ah.” They had reached the playground. Sienna was laughing as Cody pushed her in a swing. Her delighted baby laughter was making her dad laugh, too. Kerrie led him to a bench on the far side of the play structure. “That’s a problem, then, isn’t it?”
He nodded.
“Let me ask you a question. Do you think I don’t deserve to be happy? That I don’t deserve this?” She gestured at her family.
“Of course not.” He bristled at the suggestion. What kind of monster did she think he was?
“So why is it any different with you?”
Because I let him die.
She knew his thoughts. She knew him. “He