ridiculously hot when Jackson and Stone were into each other.”
“Yes. I did. Because that is hot too. Also, no shame, friend. There is no shame at all in what we think is hot. And I’m kind of an omnivore. I think a lot of things are hot. I think two men into each other is hot. I think two men just into you is hot as well.”
That’s the thing—it is hot. But is that enough? “True. But should I base my decisions on sex? On my own craving for something I haven’t had before?”
She lifts a brow, taking a beat before she answers. “Is that the issue though? Or is there something else going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Because I don’t think sex is the issue.”
I arch a brow, a little confused. “You don’t?”
“Look, I think it’s part of it. I do. But I also think that there are other factors at play. Because desire is desire. Love is love. Sex is sex. People like it different ways.” She exhales deeply. “Is that truly what you’re struggling with? Because I’m not convinced.”
I don’t answer right away. I ask myself the same question. Is the type of sex my issue? To some degree, yes. But to some degree, no. I close my eyes, rewinding through the day, through how I felt, through what I longed for.
Was it the desire that ate away at my soul? Or was it something else?
I remember my rage—misplaced, but rage nonetheless—when I stalked over to Cole’s hotel.
And in an instant, I know the heart of the matter.
I open my eyes. “It’s him. It’s Cole. All these things I feel for him. And it’s trust,” I say heavily. But also lightly too. Because that’s what I’m truly struggling with—can I trust my competitor? And more so, can I trust my new lover?
Eliza smiles, nodding. She is such a wise woman. “This is about trust. You’ve had your trust broken. You’ve seen it violated. That’s what eats away at you.”
“It’s trust in everything. Because I have to trust that man across the street with my body and, increasingly, by the minute, as I fall harder for him, with my heart,” I say, as awareness dawns on me.
“Exactly. And you want to know, as you explore these brand-new desires, if he’s a man you can trust.”
She’s hit the nail on the freaking head.
I thought I trusted Derek. And he broke that trust in a terrible way. He broke it in a public way. He humiliated me.
That’s a big reason why I worry so much about my reputation. My perception.
Derek exposed me by revealing to the city that the man I had chosen was cheating.
Can I trust anyone?
And . . . can I trust myself?
But I know the answer.
I can trust if I choose to.
Trust is a choice.
Love is a choice.
Sex is a choice.
We get to choose whether we act on our desires, or whether we entertain them in our minds.
Whether I act on them or not, I am them.
I am this woman.
I am all of these women all of the time. I am a woman of the city. I am the CEO of a hotel. I am my parents’ daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am powerful. I am submissive. I am all of me all the time.
Do I know myself enough to trust Cole with my desires and with my heart?
I meet Eliza’s eyes. “Can I trust myself with Cole?” But I don’t let her answer. Because I know the answer. I say it aloud to give it the power it deserves, the weight he’s earned. “He’s demonstrated trust every time. From the first night with him. I feel safe. I feel adored. I feel wanted. I feel cherished.” I draw a deep breath. “And I also feel respected. Every time I’ve been with him, he shows me respect. In the way he touches me and the things he says. He always seems to know where I am every step of the way. And every step of the way, I feel respected. I feel respected with how he wants to honor my desires. How he’s obsessed with them. How he lets me in.”
She grins.
It’s not wicked. It’s more like she’s so damn delighted.
Perhaps I am too.
Delighted to be understood. To be seen. To be respected.
That night in the limo was indeed a revelation, and it wasn’t because of the sex. It was the talking. It was the closeness. It was the way we both seemed