One and Done - S. Briones Lim Page 0,68

a good influence?” She shook her head in disbelief.

Shit. This was harder than I even thought it would be.

“No. I cut you off because I was afraid if I didn’t, I’d want to move back and be with you. I couldn’t move back. I couldn’t go back to the guy I once was. The angry guy. The reckless guy. I just couldn’t.”

There. I had ripped off the bandage. Now I had nothing to do but wait until I finished bleeding.

Rocky blinked incredulously. “So why come back now? After all these years? And why come to work at my store when you obviously could afford not to work in Bethel Falls at all.”

“You never really saw my mom.”

“Yeah, I have.”

I shook my head in shock. I couldn’t believe my mother had finally gotten to Rocky too. For years Rocky saw her as I did—a manipulative man handler. I couldn’t believe the woman pulled one over on such a smart woman.

“No. You saw her, but you didn’t see her. You only saw what she wanted you to see. Like today.”

“She was sick and she was lonely,” she griped.

“And she was showing her good side. When you’re not there you don’t hear her calling me an idiot, a mistake, or stupid every five minutes. You don’t hear her yelling at me and blaming me for being the reason why Dad never came back. She’s a master manipulator and she gets you to believe what she wants you to.”

It hurt. All of it. I couldn’t deny it any longer. My parents, no matter how great my dad finally acted, both fucked up my life. They fucked me up bad.

My voice was like an echo, rebounding to me after all words were spoken. I didn’t even know what the hell I was saying anymore. It was as if my mind and body were disconnected; my mouth moving on its own accord. Slowly, I began to regain consciousness just in the nick of time.

“That doesn’t answer anything about me. Why did you stop talking to me? If you wanted to show me that and tell me I still meant a lot to you, why did you even want to shut me out to begin with?” Rocky’s voice invaded my abyss and though accusatory, I was grateful for it.

“Because I was weak!” I let out a strained laugh. “Don’t you see that? I was always weak! From getting caught up with drinking at seventeen to allowing myself to hit rock bottom.” I looked down, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. “I was pathetic.”

“Of all the lame excuses…”

Seriously? After I just spilled my heart and soul?

I glanced up angrily. “No. Listen to me, please. Every time I called you I’d feel my resolve weaken. I’d want to pack my bags and whisk you away like I promised. The only thing stopping me was the fact that you were in Bethel Falls and I knew I owed it to myself and my dad not to go back. Then you went to college, which was…”

I watched the color fade from Rocky’s face. She blinked not just once, but twice before responding, “Out of town.”

“I knew I could visit you then, but I was afraid that somehow I’d drag us both down.”

“Why?”

I bit my lip so hard that my eyes began to water. “Promise you won’t get mad.”

“Why would I get mad?” Her voice shook ever so slightly.

Not knowing how else to describe the emotions that barreled through my body every time I was near her, I whispered, “You were like my trigger.”

“What?” Her nostrils flared angrily. “How can I be a trigger? I never made you do anything that you didn’t want to. In fact, I was always following you.”

I considered my answer for a moment. “Being around you does something to me. It reminds me of throwing everything out the window and just being reckless.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

And just like that, everything I’ve held inside of me…every layer of guilt, insecurity, and hope came spilling out. I knew she probably wouldn’t understand. Hell, sometimes I felt like I still didn’t. Yet there was no turning back now.

I shut my eyes and allowed the words to take free rein. “I know it doesn’t to you, but it does to me. You…you represented the good in a time that was so bad. You were like the reward when I did something wrong. It was a fucked up form of positive reinforcement, I guess. I was afraid that