hear “Baby” blaring from my phone. It’s just after eleven and I’m in the middle of brushing my teeth before heading to bed, so I race out of the bathroom and stumble over the couch, lucky not to stab myself in the eye with my toothbrush as I trip and land on the floor. Glancing up, I see Dec has already answered my phone and is wearing a wide-eyed expression.
“Okay. We’re on our way.” He ends the call and turns to me, still looking completely freaked out. “The baby’s coming!”
“Like, right now?” I say through a mouthful of toothpaste. “I’m in my pajamas!”
Finally looking a little more relaxed, Dec chuckles. “I think you’ll have time to change. And spit. She said her water hasn’t even broken yet.”
I drag myself up and rush back into the bathroom, spitting and rinsing before wiping my face on a towel. “How does she know she’s in labor if her water didn’t break?”
Declan shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess pregnant women know that kind of thing.”
“Maybe it’s a false alarm?”
“Maybe. But we should get to the hospital anyway. Melissa said her mom’s with her, but we need to be there if things progress.”
* * *
It’s not a false alarm. It’s the real deal. And it’s taking fucking forever. After waiting at the hospital for about eighteen hours, surviving mainly on coffee and vending machine snacks, we finally get to move into the delivery room for the big event.
“Okay, baby’s coming. I need a big push, Melissa,” the doctor says.
“Oh my god—I can’t believe you ever found vaginas attractive!” Declan exclaims, his mouth gaping open in horror as our baby starts to emerge.
“Well, it’s not like the girls I was with all had babies coming out of them!” I cry back as my stomach turns over at what is definitely a pretty terrifying sight. And yeah, if I didn’t already prefer dick these days I have a feeling this would be enough to do it. I’m not sure I’ll even be able to enjoy seeing vaginas in porn anymore.
“God, this is so much more disgusting than birthing a calf,” Dec mutters.
“Thanks guys, you’re being so helpful,” Melissa says with a groan.
“Okay, Melissa, baby’s being a little naughty. Trying to come out shoulder-first,” the doctor says, reaching for one of his instruments from a nearby tray.
My eyes flash toward the doctor. “What does that mean? Are they okay? Are they stuck in there?”
The doctor smiles kindly at me. “It’s fine. We’re just going to do an episiotomy to give the baby a little more room. And if baby’s still not budging after that, we’ll use the vacuum.”
“The what?” Dec asks.
“It’s when they use suction to get the baby out,” Melissa’s mom, who’s acting as her coach, explains. Although that doesn’t really help clarify things all that much, to be honest.
Watching the doctor, I see him move his blade toward Melissa. “Wait…is he going to—oh my god…”
And then everything goes black.
* * *
I’m not sure how long I’m out for, but when I wake up, Dec is hovering over me and grinning from ear to ear. “Would you like to meet your son, babe?”
My eyes widen. “It’s a boy? Is he okay? Is Melissa okay? Did she bleed out? I saw the doctor cut her—”
Declan chuckles. “She’s fine. She said she barely even felt it.” He grabs hold of my arm and helps me to my feet.
“Jeez, she’s brave.” I shake myself off and lift a hand to give my head a rub. I don’t think I hit anything hard enough to get a concussion, but I still have a bit of a bump. “If someone sliced into my dick like that I think I’d feel it.”
“Maybe not if you were already busy pushing a baby out of your dick.”
I wince at the terrifying thought. “Oh, god. I can’t believe she volunteered to do that.”
Declan takes my hand and leads me over to where one of the nurses is busy wrapping up our newborn son. She picks him up and holds him out to us; at Declan’s gesture, she places him in my arms. And from the first moment I hold him, I swear my heart’s never been so full.
“We still need a name,” I murmur, smiling down at the perfect little face of my son.
“Actually, I’ve been thinking about that. And about what your mom said…about naming him after your dad?”
My eyes flash up to meet Declan’s. “Dec, we are not naming our son Donald!”
He shakes his