and heir to a substantial portion of Ian’s personal money. Now, as you’ve seen in the legal papers we asked you gentlemen to sign, the winner immediately receives $15 million to be held in a trust account until Ian’s demise, which will be monitored by Lance Greenly, Ian’s CEO. You’re free to spend the $15 million. Upon Ian’s demise, another $57 million will pass to the winner.”
“Who’s Aurora?” someone asked.
“Ian’s psychiatrist, therapist, whatever,” Jeremy replied. “And mine. She’s the one who selected you from a list of previous boyfriends that Ian drew up.”
“So, ze winner marries Ian and gets a lot of money?” Gilles asked.
“What we’re looking for is a suitable partner for Ian, since he is dying.”
You would have expected a round of gasps, but there were none. I swear to God, I thought I saw faint smiles on several of the faces gathered around the table. This was followed by a sudden burst of faked concern for Ian, which he accepted with a wave of his hand like a Pope accepting well wishes from the faithful in St. Peter’s Square.
“Yes, Ian is dying of pancreatic cancer, but let’s not get off track here or get mired in all the little details! What we have to remember is that this will be a first in television history! The Bachelorette has the promise of love. Dancing with the Stars can give the winners big-time recognition and fame. This show has DEATH! And MONEY. Fuck Survivor! This is going to make American Idol look like Mr. Rogers! This is big, Big, BIG!”
Gilles spoke up. “I dun’t knew why ve have to go on viss dis charade? Ian was in love with me until chose zeese, how do you say, skanky ho zitting next to me,” he said, pointing to Keith (his name card said).
I had to give credit to Gilles. He pronounced one somewhat-current American phrase completely right and without an accent.
The fur was beginning to fly already and we’d just barely started.
The skanky ho seated next to Gilles spoke. “I think that we should try and keep this civil, no matter how much of a piece of Eurotrash we are.”
Gilles reacted in a typically French manner. I half expected sabers to be drawn. Gloves to be struck across startled faces. Hair being pulled and eyes being scratched.
“Is he inzulting me?”
This time it was Jeremy who was licking his lips. Already, the mix of men here was explosive. Helen Keller could see it.
Jeremy said, “Fellows, let’s save this for the show, although you are getting the hang of it. Drama! But let me get back to the meat of the matter. So, we will film this series mainly here in this house, and occasionally around town. Basically, the show is a contest. Aurora Cleft will be here starting at the first episode. She and Ian will see how you handle different situations, answer questions, and how you live your everyday life. But never forget, this show will fail or succeed on the kind of drama you give me and your best friend, the camera. Just remember, at the end of the show, the winner could be a titanically rich man!”
Ian coughed ever so slightly.
“Oh, and the winner will also have the love and companionship of Ian!” Jeremy finished, then added, “Ian wants to spend his last days with a loving partner.”
You could feel the disappointment in the room from this realization. It was like being awed by a stunt plane doing figure eights in the sky, which then suddenly plunged into an open field. This offer had a big and paunchy string attached to it.
“Oh, one last thing,” Jeremy added. “We are promoting the hell out of this show both on Q Channel and the Internet. YouTube, Twitter, Yahoo trending, celebrity Web sites! You won’t be able to turn on a computer and not see something that has to do with Things Are a Bit Iffy.”
All the contestants flashed toothy grins, while some tossed smoochy air kisses Ian’s way. It was clear that the men sitting around the table would have no problem with the money part, but having Ian thrown in with the deal was a problem that would have to be tolerated until a quick death solved everything. I sat there stunned, thinking that a reality show was going to decide how a certain man at this table was going to inherit more money than any of us could probably ever spend.
“Now, since we don’t all know each other,