Which isn’t true. I bathe every day and use the soap my mom gave me to wash my face day and night. She even took me to the doctor who gave me special cream that is supposed to help. But it doesn’t. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to ever go to school again.
The entries go on for days with the same stuff. Everything bad I ever said to her. Every action I took to make her feel bad about herself. All because I felt bad about myself. It’s not an excuse though. I should be killed for the kind of pain I put her through. Then one entry has me holding back tears.
May 15th 2005
Today was the last day of school. I didn’t want to get up this morning. I never want to get up in the morning. I have thought about ending it all. Just so the pain will go away and I won’t hurt like this anymore. I feel so worthless and ugly. I’m a hideous monster who should be dead. Chance laughed at me a lot today. Made fun of my face and my clothes. Like he does every day, but today was a little different. Today I wanted to fight back. I wanted to punch him in the face or kick him in the shin. I didn’t though. I did look him right in the eye when he made fun of me. He seemed to be taken back by it, but I don’t care. Maybe if he sees the hurt in my eyes he’ll stop. Maybe.
I had no idea she wanted to kill herself. What kind of person does that make me? God I’m so horrible. I can’t close my eyes now without seeing her at 12 years old and looking me straight in the eye. It was the first time she ever had. The next year she showed up at school with black hair, the clothes, the glasses, and the makeup. The pimples were gone but the lasting affect wasn’t.
September 12th 2005
First day of school again. It was way better than last year. When I saw Chance Duncan in front of the doors he ignored me. Not one thing was said to me by anyone but a teacher all day. No jokes, no insults. It was freeing. I have become invisible. And I freaking love it.
I skip the rest of the entries until I come to the day where we kissed while I was sober. It makes my heart stop and I think I might faint
March 8th 2010
After the drunk kiss last night, I kissed him again today. I wanted to see if he would have the same affect sober. He did. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t hot, because it was fucking hot. I will say that I have him in the palm of my hand. He ran out of the house so fast it was comical. He is really affected by me. This is good, so good. I could make him fall in love with me. I could make him mine and crush him. Ruin his life the way he ruined mine. And I will do it, you just wait and see.
A folded piece of paper falls out of the back as I tip the diary to far forward. It has my name written in her hand writing. I’m almost too afraid to read what it says. But I know though, what it says. She is going to ruin my life with this little piece of paper. I honestly don’t know if I can take it after reading that last entry. I understand what I did was awful but it was 5 years ago. I was a child. I have changed.
Dear Chance,
I’m sorry to have to do this with a letter. The look on your face would have been priceless. I honestly wish I was there to see it. Alas my ride is leaving and I have to go. I’ll say what I have to say and let you be on your way. Last night was disgusting and I hope you never do that to another girl. It took everything in me not to puke while we had sex. Hell every time you ever kissed me. Touched me. You make my blood boil and not in the good way. I left you the diary so you could get the picture of why I did this. You can read everything you did to me. Though in the end,