No Turning Back (Breaking the Rules #4) - A.M. Madden Page 0,29

physical reactions from the simplest touch to that kiss on the beach proved as much.

Meanwhile, the more I remained in my stunned state of silence, the more hurt appeared in her big brown eyes. That was what finally snapped me out of it as I reached for her hand. “I don’t want to leave. I’m sorry, Ree. I just didn’t expect you to say that.”

“How could you?” she responded with a shy smile. “It’s pretty outrageous.”

Damn right it was. But I merely nodded at her statement, not wanting to make her feel even worse. Still… how the hell was I supposed to process that?

Deciding to start with an obvious question first, I asked, “What made you want to do this?”

“I wanted to help Cooper and Ricky,” she responded without hesitation. “That’s really it in a nutshell.” Her reason was so very Riana. I was glad I had asked that first, because the rest of the pieces fell into place with that one simple response. I couldn’t fault her when all she ever cared about was helping people. She saw it all as a positive.

My own personal experience with pregnancy and childbirth had nothing to do with her decision to help a friend. And I knew what happened to Tammy and the baby was rare. I knew that millions of mothers went through their pregnancies without incident… millions of babies were born without incident. But I also knew firsthand that things could go wrong. There had been no warning that my sister-in-law and niece wouldn’t have survived… a fluke tragedy that left enough damage in its wake to forever alter my opinion on the subject.

Any reservations I held were my issue.

Riana had always dedicated her life to helping others. Because of her childhood and losing her mom so young, having kids of her own wasn’t something she desired. She’d rationalize her convictions by saying maternal instincts could be directed in many ways. When I thought she was my future, I loved her and accepted that. And after our breakup, having kids became the furthest thing from my mind.

But then, watching my brother fall apart before my very eyes had cemented my decision to not have children of my own either.

At the time it all happened, I’d been with Diane. Her career obsession to become a model influenced every part of her life, and my conviction fit her agenda perfectly. All in all, it didn’t matter, since Diane and I weren’t meant to be. And I knew any woman who came into my life after Diane would need to understand my reasoning. Besides, there were plenty of children needing a loving home to make adoption an alternative.

“Ryder, I don’t regret my decision,” Riana went on to say.

“You shouldn’t regret it,” I agreed. “And if we had reconnected before you made that decision, I wouldn’t ever ask you to reconsider, Ree. I get why you’re doing it.” I did. But her doing it at all was what scared me to death. I didn’t doubt if the roles had been reversed, and it was me who’d lost my wife and child, my reaction wouldn’t have been any different than Bryce’s. So, having said that, didn’t knowing Riana would be pregnant soon, and could be facing danger because of it, make me a hypocrite for still wanting to be with her?

I wasn’t sure I cared.

“And I get why you’re worried,” she said, using my words. “But there isn’t anything I can do or say to alleviate that.” The lost look I gave her caused a shimmer in her eyes. It made me want to comfort her, assure her my issues weren’t important. “Ryder, I don’t want to put you through any angst, whatsoever. If timing had been better, then maybe we could’ve…” She shrugged a bit insecurely. “But it doesn’t matter now… and I don’t expect you to wait around until after I have the baby. Especially, if it takes more than one attempt… which it very well can. I’m in this no matter how long it takes. This is happening, and there isn’t anything I can do or say to lessen your worries. I’m sorry.”

Right then and there, I knew if faced with months of worrying while being with her, versus walking away before we even got started again, I’d choose option number one.

“No, there isn’t anything you can do or say,” I conceded. “It comes down to me being okay with it.” She nodded solemnly, I suspected assuming the worst. While staring deep