No Commitment (Capital Kingsmen #1) - Lisa Suzanne Page 0,35
because if I focus on the kiss that just happened, I’ll start to question why I cut him out in the first place, which will lead to more questions about all my other life decisions since then, and these are all issues I can’t face alone...but the person I usually talk to about any issue that comes up is the person who has the potential to be the most hurt by the outcome.
And the last thing I want to do is hurt Ford. He doesn’t deserve any of this...which is why I think I need to talk to him.
The house is quiet when I get back, and I glance at the clock. It’s a little after midnight here in California, which means Ford is long asleep back home. I won’t wake him with this conversation even though I feel like it can’t wait until tomorrow.
Instead, I’ll lie awake and allow the guilt to eat away at me some more.
My mom makes Luna and me chocolate chip pancakes in the morning, and we spend the day at the beach. I think about taking her to Carne’s for lunch since it’s close by and she would love the kid’s quesadilla, but I don’t. Not today, not this time—even though I’m positive he won’t be there, not with his level of fame.
It all just feels too fresh. I’m not ready to walk into a place that holds so many memories of Tyler, even if it’s a Tyler of the past. Skinny band nerd Tyler...not hot as fuck adult Tyler.
Once I get Luna down for her afternoon nap, I sit at the kitchen table with my mom.
“Are you doing okay, honey?” she asks.
Tears pinch behind my eyes because no, I’m not okay. But I refuse to let them fall. I made this bed, and it’s up to me to lie in it.
But confessing the whole truth to my mom might be exactly what I need. She’s someone I can trust, and she’s someone who will be on my side because she always has been.
That’s the thing about moms, and especially mine. She’ll be there for me even if she doesn’t agree with me.
“No,” I finally say.
“I didn’t think so. Is everything okay with Ford?”
I nod. “Ford’s wonderful.”
“And Luna?”
“Amazing. It’s me, Mom. I think I messed up pretty badly and I don’t know what to do.”
She presses her lips together and pats my hand where it’s folded on top of my other one on the table. “There’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a cup of tea and an honest conversation.”
She stands to heat the water in the kettle. She’s holding up one end of the bargain, and I guess it’s up to me to bring the other.
Once the kettle is heating on the stove, she sits back down. “You ready to talk?”
I nod, and I wring my hands together in my lap. I don’t even know where to start. “I saw Tyler last night. I think I’m still in love with him.”
She gasps softly, and then she presses her lips together. She knows that we were “together,” for lack of a better descriptor that I used in conversations with my mother. I didn’t give her any of the finer details, and I certainly never told her that I had sex with him...but I’m sure she figured that out.
“You think you are? Or you are? Because those are two different things, honey, and there’s no need to upset the balance of your life for something you’re not sure about.”
“I am,” I clarify. “You know he’s been gone for two years, and then he came back and showed up at the arena looking for me. He got Ford instead. He didn’t know I don’t work there anymore.”
“He just...showed up?” she asks.
I twist my ring around my ring finger. I can’t seem to stop fidgeting. “Yeah. So I unblocked him and asked him what he was doing in Milwaukee, and then I was just...I don’t know. Drawn to him. I had to see him. We met for coffee, and it was all a big mistake. I didn’t do anything wrong but I felt like I was cheating on Ford just by seeing him.”
She grabs my hand to stop my fidgets. “If you have feelings for him, you can’t help that. It is what it is. But what you can do is stop yourself from seeing him. You choose your husband. You choose that beautiful baby girl.”