Jemma understood why his job as chief railway technician meant unpredictable hours, but the long days, rotational night shifts and frequent call-outs left her with most of the responsibility for Liam. That she was consumed with guilt at having to leave her baby all day while she worked didn’t help her stress levels when Liam was fractious and reluctant to feed. She felt neglectful, incompetent. He was so small and vulnerable. Her heart wrenched when he cried, and yet she – his own mother – couldn’t seem to soothe him. Surely there must be something wrong with her. The midwife had assured her that the maternal bond wasn’t always there instantaneously, that sometimes it took a little longer for the special connection between mother and baby to form, especially after a difficult birth. It was perfectly normal, she’d said encouragingly. It would happen, and then she would wonder why she’d worried so much.
It would, Jemma tried to reassure herself as Ryan’s gentle ministrations eased the tension in her shoulders. Liam was a beautiful baby, smiley and content in his father’s company. She hadn’t planned him, any more than she’d planned her last pregnancy, but she loved him so fiercely she knew she would die to protect him.
A crushing sense of sadness washed through her as she thought about the child she’d lost. She’d wanted that baby. Wanted him so much after feeling that first flutter like butterflies in her tummy. She’d vowed she would do a better job of parenting than her own workaholic mother had. Jemma knew she had never really been wanted. In her more charitable moments, she’d thought that perhaps her mother hadn’t realised the full impact a child would have on her busy life. She vowed to make time for her own children, to be everything a child needed in a mother. To love them unconditionally.
And she’d loved Noah. Some people didn’t understand why she’d insisted on naming him; why she grieved so deeply over a baby so small she could cradle him in the palm of her hand. Her own mother included. When Jemma had tried to talk to her about how she felt – desolate and empty, filled with feelings of hopelessness – she’d thoughtlessly pointed out that the pregnancy hadn’t gone full-term. Her face had been perplexed, as if she genuinely couldn’t comprehend that Jemma’s body had gone through all the changes of pregnancy, that hormones had flooded her body, regardless of the outcome. After talking to her doctor, Jemma eventually understood that she was suffering from post-natal depression.
Some of those feelings had crept back since she’d had Liam. They weren’t as severe, but they were there. The feelings of not being able to cope were the worst. But she had to, even when she felt as if she didn’t have the energy. She couldn’t put Ryan through all that again. She hadn’t realised how much he was hurting, how much he was grieving, until she’d visited the cemetery to find him weeping at the spot that marked their baby’s grave. Having been brought up in care, he’d only ever wanted to be part of a family, a home to call his own. Despite his upbringing, possibly because he’d been starved of parental affection, he was so caring and kind…
‘Better?’ he asked her softly.
‘Much,’ she said, turning to rest her head on his shoulder. She really did love him, couldn’t imagine being without him. She wouldn’t ever lose sight of what mattered again.
Twenty-Four
Joshua
February 2019
Josh parked in the secluded lane just outside the village, and waited, as instructed, though not very patiently. Checking the clock on his dash, he realised it had stopped working again. He sighed and checked the time on his phone instead. Maybe it should be no big surprise that she didn’t want any kind of future with him, a bloke who drove around in an ancient PT Cruiser and lived in rented accommodation. Adam had offered to help him get a more reliable car, but Josh didn’t feel comfortable taking money from him. He had to learn to stand on his own two feet. He’d been determined to, in fact, particularly after his mother had said she doubted he would cope without someone to cook for him and clean up after him. It was said in the heat of the moment, but even so, it had hurt. He’d tried to help out after her operation, which was when her obsession with having the house