got butthurt when Utah blew me off. I had ideas in my head of how things should work. I wanted Utah all the time, but he’s actually an annoying prick when I spend too much time with him. He never fucking talks. He’ll sit in the same room and hide in his head. I’m used to more back-and-forth with the Band.”
“Can’t he learn to be less like that?”
“No. Well, maybe. I don’t know. It’s like when he plays video games with me. Utah just sits silently. When we watch TV, he says nothing. When we eat, he rarely speaks. If he had Kelsi’s personality, I think I’d want him around all the time, but that’s just not who Utah is. He doesn’t want to change, and neither do I.”
Hugh’s acceptance of less from Utah makes me blurt out, “I want Shelby.”
“I know. You’re not subtle.”
Ignoring his taunting, I explain, “I can’t be with a woman like her.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to be with anyone.”
“But you were with women before.”
“How’d that turn out?”
Hugh nods before asking, “But were they like Shelby?”
“Nomp.”
“What were they like?”
“Becklyn was chaos. She never stopped moving, talking, plotting. She had something fucked-up inside her. It made me feel sorry for her. Jaymes was quiet, sneaky, needy. She also had something fucked-up inside her.”
“You like fucked-up women.”
“Nomp. I wasn’t happy with either of them. I didn’t know how to ditch them without them pulling shit that made me feel guilty.”
“Do you feel guilty when you hurt Shelby’s feelings?”
“I do now, asshole,” I growl when Hugh won’t stop reminding me that I’m a dick. “Why are her feelings so easy to hurt?”
Hugh slaps down his cards, sighs dramatically, and leans forward to look me right in the eyes. “She is super crazy into you, but she thinks you do not like her. No way are you too stupid to realize how you have all the power. No, you’re just an asshole.”
“Then why do you hang out with me?”
“I told you. I like assholes. Besides, you treat me better than you do Shelby.”
“How do you fucking figure?”
“You seek me out.”
Leaning back in the booth, I smack my head against that overhang shit and grumble, “Aren’t you fucking special?”
“Look, man, I get it. You don’t feel comfortable with the Reapers. I saw you warming up to them on the trip, but you got back here and returned to acting like an outsider. You think I’m like you, but I’m really not. I’m cool with me, but you seem uncomfortable being you.”
“Fuck off with your head-shrinking shit,” I mutter.
“I like you, Dean,” he says as his pale blue eyes focus hard on me, “but you are the problem. Not the Skullz, who are dead. Or the Reapers, who welcomed you into their club. Shelby isn’t the problem either. It’s you.”
“I’m not the bad guy.”
“No, but you’re the problem. If you wanted Shelby, you could show up at her house right now, and she’d make time for you. It’s kinda pathetic how into you she is. We all mock her behind her back about that.”
“You’re an asshole,” I growl, not liking them talking shit about Shelby.
“Because I’m making you feel guilty or because I’m mean to your girlfriend?” he asks, wearing a smirk.
“I’m never dating anyone again.”
“Because you don’t know how to get out of something once you get in it?”
Frowning, I shrug. “Maybe.”
“Those other women were fucked-up. That’s cool. Some of my favorite people are fucked-up, but those chicks weren’t givers. They needed you to fix them, but you’re not equipped for that shit. You’re fucked-up too. That’s okay, man. Lots of people are fucked-up. The problem is you need someone less fucked-up to offset how fucked-up you are. It’s why Utah and I work now. I adjusted to his shit because I’m the less fucked-up one. Instead of me banging against a wall for years trying to make him be what I wanted, I filled my needs with my friends. I bent because he can’t. I bet Shelby would bend for you.”
“But she wants too much.”
“Yeah, probably. Not like you can move into the Victorian and be with her all the time anyway. She doesn’t even sleep in a bed, and the house is currently too full of people. But you can say, ‘Shelby, I want to see you on Tuesdays and Thursdays.’ She’d know you weren’t just putting up with her visits, and you’d have more control.”