and you take a break to go for a wee or something, and then you come back and cross your legs the other way by mistake, the continuity person will shout, ‘Cross your legs the other way!’ Irene never misses a trick.

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27. The Video Assist: This is a team of two who tape the proceedings and are able to play whatever has just been shot back to the director. They follow the monitors about with a wee machine – our chief of video is Nick Kenealy and his assistant is my son Tindy, who is always on set garlanded with vast quantities of cabling that he has to keep out of everyone’s way.

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28. The Sparks: These are the gents who provide the lights and generators. I say gents because I have never in my life come across a female spark. Don’t ask me why – I’m as fascinated by light bulbs as the next woman. Paul Murphy is our chief of sparks (they call him the head of department, also the gaffer, see below) and he works very hard – he and his team lug the lamps about and take their instructions from the director of photography, who is their big boss.

If we’re outside and it’s windy, you will always see the sparks hanging on to the big lights to stop them from falling over and braining someone. They understand about plugs and electricity and they keep the set safe.

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29. The Gaffer: This is the chief of sparks, as described above.

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30. The Movement Director: Not every film has a movement director, but we have a lot of tricky action in this film and so have a wonderfully bendy person called Toby Sedgwick, who is teaching the children how to do their own stunts and how to trick the audience into thinking they’re doing certain other things, like hitting themselves.

We also have lovely stuntmen (whom I don’t have to explain to you, because everyone knows about stuntmen), but Toby designs the complicated scenes. He’s a bit like a choreographer, I suppose.

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31. The Runners: The name tells you everything. These are young people who look after everything on and off the set and who report to the ADs. They do literally everything and anything they are asked and are often referred to as slaves. We have a remarkable group of runners who will all go on to be other fine components of other film crews. It’s a great way to learn about what happens on a film set.

If you want to know the gossip, always ask the runners. They know everything about everyone. Also, and obviously, they run everywhere. That’s why they’re mostly young (although not usually as young as nine).

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32. The Set Photographer: This person must be on set ALL THE TIME to take pictures while we film. These are then used all over the place to publicise the film. It is a very hard job because they have to be almost invisible but they also have to get the best pictures possible. Liam is fantastic at it.

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33. The Boom Operator: Boom ops, as they are known, have a very particular skill. They must be able to hold a very, very long pole with a microphone on the end of it for ages. It is really heavy after a while, and you or I would start to shake and wobble and the boom would appear in the picture and everyone would shout at us. Arthur Fenn and Robbie Johnson are our boom ops. Arthur often wears sunglasses as he stays up late a lot – I have never known a boom op like him, because he can squeeze into the tiniest spaces and hold the blinking thing up for what feels like hours.

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34. Stunt Double: Someone who is dressed up to look exactly like you but does bits you can’t do for yourself, like falling off buildings and things.

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35. Second Unit: Second Unit is just a name for another vital camera team that does all the stuff the first camera unit can’t manage within the allotted schedule. Mostly stuff that doesn’t involve lots of acting, like shots of horses’ bottoms.

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36. Reading In: This means that if an actor has to leave, someone must read their lines in for the other actors. I do a lot of that because I know the lines quite well after having written and rewritten them for four years (I didn’t mean that to sound bitter, by the way).

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37. Wrap: The end of the shooting day. When you switch the camera off and everyone is allowed to pack up and go home. The 1st AD shouts, ‘Thank you, ladies and gentleman, that’s a wrap!’ – or ‘That’s the wrap’ or ‘It’s wrap’ or any combination of the above. If you are going to do something like serve a departing actor with drinks, you say, ‘Drinks on wrap.’ I don’t know why it isn’t ‘at wrap’. It’s ‘on wrap’. Weird.