“You’ve been just fine as a boyfriend. You probably were with her too, but she’s got you second-guessing yourself at every turn.” He studied me, then added in an even softer voice, “And I’m no expert, but I think a lot of this will get easier for you the more your anxiety gets addressed.”
“Let’s hope.” I laughed dryly. “I never realized that’s what was happening every time I get worked up over something, but man, once my coach and then the therapist laid it all out? I can’t believe I didn’t put it together before. Because anxiety is the only thing more constant in my life than hockey. And… I’m sorry. You’ve had to put up with me freaking out over everything, and…” My stomach lurched, but I kept going anyway. “In the beginning, I told you it doesn’t happen often, but that was because I was afraid to tell you the truth.”
He inclined his head. “Which is?”
“That it happens all the time. Like, all the time.” I wiped a shaking hand over my face and avoided his eyes. “You haven’t seen it much because I’ve been on the road, but sometimes… Well, now I know they’re panic attacks. I didn’t realize that’s what they were, but apparently they are. My team, they’re so used to it that they know when I start falling apart, send in Maddox or Kuznetsov to talk me down.”
“So there’s someone there when you’re on the road?” Devin asked. “Someone who can help?”
“Yeah, but it stresses them out. They shouldn’t have to do that. And neither should you.” I swallowed hard. “And I mean, the bottom line is that I know all this”—I tapped my temple—“isn’t normal. And I’m finally getting help for it because I can’t keep leaning on people like that or running away from everything. I can’t keep living like that.”
“You shouldn’t have to. And the therapy—how is it going so far?”
“Good. Really good.” I pushed out a relieved breath. “I should’ve talked to someone ages ago, but I was afraid of getting disqualified from hockey, which is the only thing I’m good at, and I guess I kind of didn’t want to know. But I didn’t even realize how much it was running my life, or that it was something that could be treated, you know?” I paused, then forced myself to look in his eyes even though I was terrified. “I let it convince me that I was better off without you, or that I can’t handle being what you and Dallas need. And that’s bullshit. My life is so much better with you in it, and if you can just give me some time to figure this out and—”
“Hey.” Devin took my hand, which I hadn’t realize had started shaking. “Take a breath, okay?”
I did. Fuck, there really was something wrong with me when people had to keep telling me to breathe. After a few slow breaths, I said, “I’m sorry. Just… I’m trying to fix this, because living like this sucks, and it took losing you to make me see how much it’s really running my life. If you don’t want to wait around while I deal with that, I’ll understand. But I just… I needed you to know I made a mistake when I left. And I’m sorry.”
“Jase. It’s…” He exhaled. “Okay, first, there’s nothing wrong with you.”
“There better be. This can’t be right, can it?”
He shook his head. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not a flaw. It doesn’t make you a bad person any more than Dallas’s migraines make her a bad kid.”
I blinked.
Devin went on, “I don’t want you to think getting back together with me would be contingent on you fixing something, you know?”
I studied him, not sure I followed.
Devin’s expression stayed serious and his voice stayed gentle. “I think it’s great that you’re getting help. I want you to get help, but I want you to do it for you. Because I can see that you’re miserable, and I want you to be happy. But that was never a condition of me dating you.”
My shoulders slumped and I pushed out a breath. “Thank God for that.”
“Did you think it would be conditional?”
“No. I… I don’t know what I thought. I just think being with me has got to be exhausting.” I laughed humorlessly. “Being me is exhausting.”
“I’m sure it’s exhausting for you. But there’s help for that.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I know. Except part of me is still scared my therapist