that text first thing in the morning totally wasn’t going to tip me into panic attack territory again. Because I wasn’t already a goddamned wreck over letting go of Devin last night.
But I supposed after the other day, he was within his rights to want to talk to me.
The day I’d been taken to the hospital was the first time I’d heard someone describe what happened as a panic attack, and it was the first time it had gotten that bad in front of anyone other than Maddox or Kuznetsov, but it wasn’t the first time it had happened. Now it had required paramedics. Now it had scratched me from a game only hours before puck drop.
Now it couldn’t be ignored.
My career is over, isn’t it? I swallowed hard on my way down the hall toward Coach’s office. They’re going to release me from my contract.
Maybe it was just as well. It wasn’t like I was going to suddenly be on an even keel because I’d broken up with Devin. I was devastated over that, and my concentration would be shot for God knew how long, and let’s face it—this had started long, long before Devin had ever tossed that hat into the arena.
Awesome. I could lose my career and the man I loved in the space of twenty-four hours. All because my head couldn’t handle anything without short-circuiting.
At Coach’s door, I paused to steel myself. And maybe to collect some of those emotions that kept stubbornly trying to surface. The last thing I needed to do was break down crying in the head coach’s office.
When I was sure—sort of—that I had it together, I knocked.
“Come in.”
I closed my eyes. Okay. Here goes.
Then I opened my eyes, opened the door, and stepped inside. “You, um, wanted to see me?”
Coach sat back in his chair. “Sut the door and have a seat.” I did, and he went on, “I think we need to talk about what happened the other day.”
A nauseating wave of panic rushed through me. Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Okay.”
He studied me for a moment, then took a breath. “How are you feeling now?”
“Better,” I said quietly. “It was a shitty night, but after I slept it off…” Then I broke up with my boyfriend, and now I feel even worse because I miss him, but my fucking brain can’t handle the stress of—I cleared my throat and sat back, trying to look relaxed. “It was just a bad night.”
“Uh-huh. Well, I’m glad to see you’re doing better, but…” He drummed his fingers on the desk. “Son, Doc Williams and I are concerned that you’re dealing with some untreated and out-of-control anxiety. And it’s obviously getting worse.”
Mute, I nodded. I had no idea what to say, and I hoped he just got to the part where they were releasing me and got it over with.
He folded his hands. “I’m benching you for the next four games.”
“The next—” I blinked, simultaneously relieved it was only four games, not permanent, but also ready to insist I didn’t need to sit out that long. “Coach, I’ll be fine.”
“I know you will,” he said with a nod. “But I want you to take a few days to get your head together, and I want you to get evaluated by a professional.”
“So why not just release me?” I shrugged with a lot more dismissiveness than I felt. “If you don’t think I can play, then—”
“Whoa, whoa, slow down there, kid.” He put up a hand. “No one’s talking about releasing you.”
“They’re… They’re not?”
“No.” He shook his head, but then narrowed his eyes. “Is that why you never came to anyone about this? Why you always downplayed it?”
I shifted a little under his scrutiny. “I… You knew about that?”
“Kelly.” He laughed dryly. “You really think shit like that gets past me? Of course I knew. But I didn’t realize how bad it was until we had to have EMTs pick you up off the locker room floor.”
I shuddered, avoiding his gaze as embarrassment twisted my stomach.
“There are people who can help you, you know.” He leaned forward. “And the league has a whole list of those people. All you have to do is make an appointment and go see someone.”
“It won’t disqualify me from playing?”
“Anxiety? Pfft. Of course not. If they give you a prescription, you’ll want to run it by Doc Williams, but you wouldn’t be the first player getting treated for this.”
He said it so casually. So matter-of-factly. But it hit me right