or some bad sushi’s—that Jase had been hospitalized and benched. No way in hell was I doing that to her.
At least she wasn’t here tonight. I had a few days before I had to try to put on a stoic face and pretend I wasn’t dying inside.
A quiet chirp announced that Tony had come into the room, and a second later, he hopped up into my lap. For as much as he could be an asshole—he was a cat—he purred and kneaded on my leg and looked in my eyes.
“Hey, buddy.” I scratched his rump and tried not to cry just because I really, really didn’t want to. But damn it, now I was remembering the way Tony had cuddled with Jase. How much Jase had melted for him, and… Fuck. Was there anything left that didn’t remind me of him?
Sighing, I wrapped my arms around my cat, pulled him against my chest, and buried my face in his fur. Sometimes he’d struggle and pull away when I did that, but he just leaned into me and purred.
I glanced up again. It would probably hurt like hell for a while whenever I looked at that full-size poster of Jase on my living room wall, but there was no way I was taking it down. I refused to tarnish Dallas’s love of hockey or the way she felt about Jase.
That was the same reason I didn’t take down the framed photo beside the TV. That shot of the three of us in front of the Snow Bears backdrop the night Dallas and I had first met Jase. Back when her larger than life hero had hugged her. Before I’d fallen for him. Before being with us had scared him so bad he’d—
I sighed.
Damn it. We should have let it end that night at the stadium. We should have walked away with the photos, the souvenirs, and the memories.
Some part of me wanted to believe this had been inevitable no matter what. That, single dad or not, I’d never had a shot with him. Had I really thought Jase Kelly would want to be with me for the long haul?
Except I hadn’t been dating Jase Kelly the hockey star who was light years out of my league. I’d been dating Jase Kelly the man. The man who was sweet, and vulnerable, and caring, and so, so human. We’d just been two guys in a relationship, not a starstruck fan fooling himself into thinking he was good enough.
It would have been so much easier to let him go if I could just feel stupid for believing I’d had a shot at someone that high above me. It would be easier if things had really been that superficial.
But they hadn’t been.
Jase was a real person, this thing between us had been real, my feelings for him were real, and the way it hurt to let it all go was some real goddamned pain. I wanted to hate him for leaving, especially leaving for the same reason so many people had left before him, but I just hurt.
Fighting back tears, I buried my face in my cat’s soft, black fur.
And though I’d never say it out loud to Dallas, I wished I’d never thrown that note into the arena.
I wished we’d never met Jase.
Chapter 33
Jase
What the hell did I do? Damn it, I let him go? What was I thinking?
The empty space beside me in my bed that morning was like a huge blaring announcement reminding me that Devin was gone. That I’d sent him away. That I’d… God, had I really broken up with him?
Yeah. I had. And the worst part was that I didn’t know how I could walk it back. I wanted to be with Devin. I loved him. I adored him and his daughter, and I wanted them in my life.
The problem was that I couldn’t handle it. Whatever the hell was messed up with my psyche couldn’t take the pressure. Had I really thought it could? I could lose my mind for days if I wasn’t absolutely positive I’d remembered to lock my car in the secure airport parking lot. Keeping this relationship going? Being what Devin and Dallas needed? Being an out gay dude? God, just thinking about it had my heart racing all over again.
I wanted to be with him. I wanted—
My phone vibrated, nearly startling me out of bed.