My Life After Now - By Jessica Verdi Page 0,55

only proved that even after I poured my heart out and told them the most private details of my life, these people still knew nothing about me.

And honestly, hearing it repeated over and over again that broken and abandoned relationships were not rare in the HIV/AIDS community just made me even more depressed.

There were only a few minutes to go before the end of the meeting, and I was itching to get the hell out of there. I was never going to forgive Roxie for this. I couldn’t believe I trusted her, that I actually thought she was my friend. She may have done a nice thing by getting me that audition, but this little stunt just overshadowed any kindness she’d shown me in the past.

The comment session was winding down when June raised her hand. I cursed under my breath. She was the only one who hadn’t yet seized on the opportunity to pick apart my life, and I’d been hoping it would stay that way.

“Go ahead, June,” Roxie said.

No, June, don’t go ahead. Keep your mouth shut, so we can all go home.

“I wanted to say something about Lucy’s mother,” she said.

Wonderful. I was in for yet another tirade on how absolutely awful neglectful parenting and matriarchal abandonment was. I got it, ditching your kid to go take pictures and do drugs was bad.

“I was thinking about what Roxie said about how you blame yourself, Lucy, and how you feel like getting HIV was a kind of penance for your actions. Well, I think you shouldn’t blame yourself at all.”

Thanks, June. That’s really helpful.

“It seems to me that, when all those things were happening to make you upset, you did exactly what you were supposed to do.”

Huh. That was interesting. My ears perked up.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Look at your mother. She had you and then ran away. She came to visit you as a child and when things got too serious, she ran away again. And where did she go each time? To travel the world with musicians. You said she told you that she’s had a few abortions, right? And now she’s pregnant again and without a partner? So presumably she’s been out there engaging in irresponsible sex.”

“That’s true,” I said, “but what does that have to do with me?”

“Don’t you see? Running away from difficult situations and landing in the bed of a stranger—a musician in particular—was learned behavior. That’s what you were taught. You can’t blame yourself for what you did, Lucy. But you can blame your mother.”

Whoa.

• • •

The meeting finally ended, and Roxie threw her arms around me. “That was so great, Lucy. How do you feel?”

I pulled away and wedged several inches of space between us. “I don’t know—I need time to process. But that wasn’t cool, Roxie.”

She frowned. “What wasn’t cool?”

“Putting me on the spot like that.”

“But it helped. I know it did!” she insisted.

“Listen to what I’m saying to you! I told you all that stuff in confidence and then you just went and threw it all right back in my face, in front of everyone. You ambushed me.”

“I was just trying to help…”

I sighed. “I’m sure you were. But it made me really uncomfortable and right now I just need to be alone. I’ll see you Thursday.”

I left her standing there in the church basement, frozen in place, and, for once, speechless.

27

Louder Than Words

I didn’t cross paths with Lisa until the following evening. She was rummaging through the fridge, her ever-expanding butt floating out behind her, when I got home from rehearsal.

She didn’t appear to have heard me come in, and my first instinct was to creep by her and sneak up to my room unnoticed. But something stopped me, and instead I planted myself in a kitchen chair and observed her, the gestating exotic creature scavenging for sustenance.

I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what June had said. Could she have been right? Could I have been subconsciously brainwashed to copy Lisa’s behavior? I’d always prided myself on being independent. I had two amazing parents and everything I ever could have needed; this wasn’t a case of feeling unloved or having had some sort of neglected childhood. I hadn’t had anything close to what Roxie had had to grow up with.

But what if Lisa’s very existence had corrupted me, worked its way inside me when I was just a little kid, and pushed me in Lee’s direction? That would mean this living hell I’d fallen