‘Well, there were other—’ He tried again. ‘It would have been an honour to…’
Yan Ling was watching him so expectantly. No one had really questioned him about his choice. Certainly there were those who wondered why he would pass up the potential for a coveted position within the Six Ministries to pursue a military career in obscurity outside the capital. His father had had no objections. He had jovially accepted his son’s path, just as he’d accepted everything that came his way, for better or worse.
‘I might have gone on to take the civil exams, but I didn’t qualify.’
‘Oh, Fei Long. Do you always have to be so humble?’ she chided.
‘No, I didn’t qualify.’ He leaned back against the alcove, trying to find a more comfortable position. ‘To be an imperial candidate, you must pass the qualifying exams. Do you know scholars from the provinces would study for nearly all their lives to be able to qualify and come to Changan?’
‘But you were a candidate for a year. You told me so.’
She stretched out on the bed so her slippered foot rested just beside his knee. They weren’t even touching, but it stirred him mercilessly.
‘We were wealthy,’ he explained. ‘We lived in the capital. My family name was well-known and I was a favoured son with well-paid tutors and impeccable calligraphy.’
Yan Ling giggled and he wasn’t sure what he’d said to elicit it, but he was glad he had.
‘Like any student of means, I studied the classics during the day and attended drinking parties in the entertainment district at night. A man could make a name for himself hosting parties alone. Everyone would come: scholars, poets, courtesans, entertainers.’
‘Entertainers like the magnificent Li Bai Shen?’ she teased.
He narrowed a glance at her, but it was in good humour. ‘Indeed. This was when we began our illustrious association. I stayed out all night before taking the qualifying exams, which were a mere formality, I thought. Of course I was given passing marks and became a candidate for the imperial exams.’
‘But…’
‘But I began noticing things. Students who were much more astute, much more industrious than I, were struggling. Students who spoke with provincial accents and had names that were unknown. They never frequented the drinking houses and pleasure quarters. I wasn’t so careless in my youth that I didn’t start to wonder. Perhaps I merely qualified because of who my father was.’
‘Your family legacy isn’t something to be ashamed of,’ Yan Ling protested.
‘It wasn’t shame.’ He would never deny his family. ‘I just…wondered.’
At some point, Fei Long considered that he had more in common with Li Bai Shen and his troupe of actors than the scholars who were supposed to be his peers. He was there among the imperial candidates because he looked the part and played the role so well.
‘I wasn’t entirely without merit,’ he assured. ‘I had studied the classics and I possessed a few other skills. I was competent on horseback. I could hit a target with a bow and arrow.’
Yan Ling’s smile warmed him. ‘You wanted to find your own path.’
Something about that sounded so dissident. It hinted disturbingly of rebellion.
‘Sometimes a natural path simply reveals itself,’ Fei Long countered.
Spending time with Yan Ling always relaxed him. He could speak freely without the lure of wine or music. He needed these hours with her. Not only to pass the time, but to centre himself. Having her close filled him with a purpose and lightened the weight pressing on his chest. In these small moments of peace, he could almost see another way. His own path, but it wouldn’t quite reveal itself no matter how hard he searched.
* * *
Yan Ling was working on her embroidery beneath the shade of the patio. Dao sat beside her with a basket of the household mending. The day was too hot to stay indoors, but too glaring to sit outside beneath the sun.
A raised voice came from within the house which set them running.
‘My ladies, quickly!’ Old Man Liang called from the hallway.
At first Yan Ling feared that something had happened to Fei Long, but she went to his chamber to find him out of bed and dressed in a dark robe.
‘My lord, you shouldn’t be up.’
He raised a hand to quiet her. Moving with great care and deliberation, he straightened his robe and tied back his hair.
‘I’m going to see Zōu,’ he said.
‘Are you mad? He’ll kill you this time.’
‘He won’t.’ Fei Long shook his head too calmly. ‘No one left