make her more anxious than Fei Long’s disapproval was his trust.
* * *
After the evening meal, Yan Ling retired to her chamber early, but she didn’t sleep. She lit the oil lamp and unfolded the list of characters that Fei Long had given her to memorise. He hadn’t dined with them that night or any night for that matter. She always took her meals with Dao in the servants’ dining hall. She kept on reciting the characters to herself over dinner, afraid she’d forget.
Now that she was alone, she went through each character, matching them up with the words they represented. There were fifty or so on the paper. Strung together, they meant nothing. They were only practice words.
In her first days there, Yan Ling had looked through Pearl’s belongings. It wasn’t right to think of this chamber or the personal items within it as hers. She was there for only a few more months before she would be making an even longer journey. In one drawer, she’d found several books. When she’d looked through them, the characters had blurred together, black lines and dashes on the page with no meaning. It was hard to believe she’d ever be able to understand the knowledge held there, but now a faint promise dangled before her.
She looked through the first characters again. Each one reminded her of Fei Long. He was adamant about teaching her as much as she could learn in the next months. She wouldn’t fail him.
Soon she wasn’t thinking of the words. Instead, her mind drifted to the careful pressure of his hand around hers. The roughened texture of his fingers.
It was only because they were forced to spend so much time alone, she insisted. Her former master had been old and married. And fat. Fei Long was young and not unhandsome. And strong. That was the closest she would come to admitting she liked the way he looked. She squeezed her eyes shut as if that would stop the images of Fei Long from haunting her.
She’d made a habit of trying to read his expressions, which only seemed to shift from stern approval to controlled disapproval. Whenever the hard line of his mouth softened so much as to allow a smile through, her stomach swirled like a flight of sparrows.
This was stupid of her. She bent to look at the next line of characters and reminded herself that these things just happened: yin and yang and clouds and rain. Fei Long must never know. She’d die of shame if he ever found out.
‘Yan Ling?’
She jumped at the sound of her name. Dao stood at the edge of the sitting area, looking at her curiously.
Without thinking, Yan Ling sat up and slipped her arm behind her back. The pulse in her neck jumped as the paper in her hands crinkled mercilessly.
‘I saw the light from the hallway and thought you must have fallen asleep without blowing it out,’ Dao said, but her almond eyes narrowed with awareness.
‘I wasn’t as sleepy as I thought.’ Yan Ling’s heart pounded guiltily as she tried to fumble the paper into her sleeve. It burned against her palm like an illicit love letter. ‘I think I will go to bed now, though.’
Dao came forwards with the feigned uninterest of a cat on the prowl. ‘Let me help you with your robe then.’
‘No, you don’t need to—’
The clever servant manoeuvred around her and grabbed the paper with a triumphant laugh.
‘Fox demon!’ Yan Ling sprang at Dao, but the girl had already run to the far side of the room beside the dressing screen.
Her ears burned while Dao unfolded the paper and held it up to the light. ‘Oh.’ The delight faded from her rounded face and her lower lip stuck out in a pout. ‘Well, this isn’t nearly as interesting as I’d hoped.’
Yan Ling stalked over to retrieve the paper with a vicious swipe. ‘Those are the words I need to memorise.’
The act of studying the characters Fei Long had given her kept him close like a secret, gossamer thread tying them together. She knew it was girlish nonsense, yet her blood still heated at being caught. Excessive irritation was the only way to account for her guilty behaviour.
‘You’re like an alley cat, prowling for gossip,’ Yan Ling accused.
Dao folded her hands before her with embarrassment. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.’
Of all the servants in the mansion, she was closest to Dao. Yan Ling didn’t want to do anything to ruin their relationship.