to try to comfort him somehow, but I stopped, my hand hanging in the air midway between us.
He met my eyes. “I love you, Nico. I’ll always love you.”
My chest clenched tight, but I fought to remain seated. Jumping up to fist pump the air was the worst idea I’d had in a long time. I cleared my throat a little, mostly to test if I could make a noise in a normal tone before I tried to reply.
“I would take back every moment of my past if I could, but I can’t. I would never have used it to hurt you. It’s why I didn’t really feel the need to tell you, and I’m so sorry it hurt you anyway. But it was done. Really done. As soon as I found you, all of that other stuff was just over.” I stopped and cleared my throat again when it started getting scratchy. “We all have a past, but mine doesn’t define who I am today. I love you, and I only love you. You are my only guy. The only one. I’m a one-man man.” I tried to plead with him with my eyes to make him understand.
He watched me, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. The clock on the wall ticked louder and louder, until each tick sounded like a bullet crack through my brain, and I willed him to say something.
“You know what?” He sat closer and rested his hand on my knee. “It wasn’t just a past, you know? It was having it so in my face. People in this office. People I’d laughed with and chatted to. They aren’t just theoretical or abstract or people I can pretend have scales or horns or you must have been blind drunk to take to your bed. I can see why you were attracted to them, and it just got too close and personal. Which is what I meant. My insecurity got in the way. I was so fucking dumb.”
I stood. “Can I sit by you?”
He moved to the small couch, and I took the set next to him. “You’re not dumb and it’s okay. And I’m sorry my past hurt you.”
He laughed a little and shook his head. I wanted to touch his hair when he did that.
“You know what, without your past, you wouldn’t be this man today, the man I love, so I think I need to sort of…” He raised an eyebrow. “Build a bridge and get over it?”
I started to shake my head. I didn’t know how to respond. Then he flicked his tongue over his lower lip, and I kissed him instead. I didn’t have any words, but I had love.
I loved Jamie, and he loved me, and when his tongue touched mine, I had an instant hard-on for the only guy I loved.
When he drew away, we were both breathing hard. “I love you,” he said.
“I love you, too. And I’m so happy you’re back.” I couldn’t describe how happy.
Saint’s PA walked past my office and I acknowledged her through the window. Jamie’s face fell a little bit, and I wrapped an arm around him.
“What’s up?”
“There’s something else we should probably discuss.” His face pinched and a small crease formed between his brows as he drew them together. “I mean, I need to tell you something else.”
“Oh?” Maybe he’d hooked up with another guy after all. But I could cope. I could handle any of that because he was back.
“Yeah. I did a thing. I put out applications to other law firms.”
I almost laughed. I mean, was that all? I’d expected tortured confessions of hot nights with other guys while we were broken up that I didn’t want to hear, so relief rushed through me that it was just applications.
Then I stilled. Those other applications meant no Jamie in my life all day every day. No more seeing him smile at me from the doorway to my office. Maybe having to work against him instead of beside him. Conflicts of interest, questions of ethics. But we could do that. Just to have him back, I could do that.
He spoke again. “I just didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t think I could work here with people who’d slept with you. I know how weak that sounds, but it just felt like something I couldn’t handle.” He twisted his hands together then looked at me.
I nodded slowly. I kind of understood. And maybe he was doing what was best