a quick drink and I glanced at the floor as shame claimed me.
“So, what do I do?” I could barely force the words from my dry mouth. The way Saint put it, the whole situation sounded pretty hopeless. “There must be a way to make him see...”
“It’s a waiting game, man. You’ve got to fix it as best you can and then wait for Jamie to come to you. You can’t do anything else.” His eyes were gentle, but his words hit me with the force of an out-of-control semi.
“And this might be a bad time—” Saint started speaking, interrupting my growing sense of horror. “But we really need to discuss Malcolm and what to do about him.”
I turned cold. “Well, he’s out.” There was no other alternative.
“What the hell was he thinking?” Saint poured himself another two fingers of whiskey.
“My guess is he wasn’t.” I wasn’t even angry. I just didn’t care. Malcolm couldn’t stay, but I was completely dispassionate about what we actually did to get rid of him. “Just make him gone.”
“I’ll look for a replacement.”
“Shouldn’t be too hard.” I drained my glass again. “He was good, but there’s ‘great’ out there, I’m sure. We can replace him.”
“I know.” Saint blew out another sigh. “I…I’m just so sorry. I feel like I could’ve prevented this and now you’re hurt, and Jamie’s hurt, and we have to find another associate, and the whole thing is just one fucking pile of steaming shit.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t mention your rule again, for God’s sake. We’re all adults, Saint. Shit happens.” I spoke in a light tone, but my insides were heavy.
Every part of me weighed so goddamn fucking much, and I had to drag myself from this office and to my empty apartment at some point. My apartment, where every surface, every fabric, smelled of Jamie’s cologne. Where every room held a memory of him—usually naked. Always laughing and happy…
And shit.
I’d fucked it all up.
I rested a hand on Saint’s knee. “It’s not your fault.”
And somehow, I’d ended up consoling my friend, not the other way around.
“I’ll see you, okay? Have a great weekend.” Before I could think it through any further, I left his office, grabbed my jacket, and walked out the front door.
Cabs drove past me, but I didn’t want to sit in any of them. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Short of having a beer in my hand, I couldn’t think what else to do.
There would have been a time I would’ve headed to Hot Toddy’s and picked up the nearest hot guy for a quick, thoughtless fuck as my stress relief.
Not today, though.
Never again.
When I reached home, memories of Jamie overwhelmed me. He was on my couch, cooking in my kitchen, in the shower, on my bed. Everywhere I looked, he stared back at me, his eyes alight with humor and passion.
And my heart shredded just a little bit more, my ribs grating it into something useless and messy.
I sat on my couch and considered another drink, but I didn’t want oblivion. I didn’t want Jamie out of my thoughts. I wanted him back. Completely back.
I slid my phone from my pocket. One tiny message wouldn’t hurt.
Maybe one tiny message could fix things—or be a start, anyway.
Yeah. One tiny message. I stared at the blinking blue cursor in my message window and tried to ignore all the happy speech bubbles above it.
Hey
Delete…delete…delete
Hi.
I paused. I didn’t know how to fit everything I wanted to say into a tiny message. My feelings were too big.
Delete…delete.
Maybe if I just dived right in.
No matter what, I love you. Please don’t doubt how much. I know you need space right now, but I just wanted you to know there is only you for me.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and jabbed my finger against my phone screen, almost hoping it might send itself as if by mistake. But it didn’t. And I was being a coward. My declaration needed to be purposeful.
And I missed Jamie so much.
I pressed send and left my phone on my chest as I waited for a reply. It didn’t vibrate, but I checked it anyway. And I checked it again.
Then again.
My chest tightened when the delivered notification turned to ‘read’ but the three little dancing dots to say he was writing back didn’t appear.
I held my cell phone in my hand all night long as I slept, but when I woke Jamie still hadn’t replied.