Mr. Mitchell Billionaires' Club Book 2 - Raylin Marks Page 0,164

her story got through to you? I saw your entire demeanor change when she was speaking.”

“Week after week, I’ve listened to these people share their stories. My whole life, I’ve felt like I was dealt the shittiest hand possible, and since we’ve been coming here, part of me feels like I’ve softened up a bit, knowing that there’s always someone who has it worse.” I tried to organize my thoughts as they flooded into my mind. It was like a dam of information had burst.

“Don’t get me wrong. I take no pleasure in hearing the horrible things these people have had to endure.”

“You don’t even need to say that. I know you don’t,” Ash said.

“It’s just that—well, I’ve been using the pain of my past as a barrier, I think. I know that sounds strange.” I shook my head, thinking that I probably sounded like a rambling idiot. “It’s not easy for me to admit this, but I think that I’ve probably spent my entire life being the victim. God, I fucking hate that word—victim. If I’m honest about it, I’ve used that word as a justification for me not to share my life with people. It’s the dark cloud that follows me everywhere, but it’s there because I let it be there.” I rested my head against the headrest. “I lost Jim because of it. I was too fucking stubborn to open up all the way. I hid my dirty, dark secrets, allowing Derek to get away with whatever he wanted. My enabling cost me the most important relationship I’ve ever had.”

I started sobbing, and Ash leaned over and rubbed my back as I cried into my hands, the gravity of my actions slamming down onto me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t just about Jim. It was about my entire life. I’d always blamed my upbringing and young adult life for being the reason why my life always seemed to turn out wrong, not realizing that I was feeding it. I’d been self-sabotaging for as long as I could remember, and now, it felt like everything was coming into focus so suddenly that it made my head spin.

I finally took a deep breath and sat back in my seat. “I need to eat or something.”

Ash laughed as she pointed at a Denny’s across the street. “Breakfast for dinner is always a good idea.”

After filling myself up on pancakes and sausage, we sat at our table, and I fidgeted with my coffee cup quietly.

“You know, when Sharon was talking, my heart broke for why she finally gave up, hoping it would make up for the past of everything that went bad.”

“I know,” I said, curious as to what had struck a chord with Ash.

“After my dad had his heart attack, I did a pretty quick downward spiral. I was an absolute mess, thinking about losing him after I’d lost my mother. Jake tried to help in the beginning, but I instantly snapped at him and pushed him away. I was so frightened of losing everyone that I subconsciously tried to push them away. It sounds so ridiculous, right?” She took a sip of her milkshake and shrugged her shoulders. “My point is that we are all such complex individuals, and I think there is so much going on under the surface, driving us to do things without us realizing it. The fact that you can see where you’ve used the victim role as a crutch—knowingly or not—is crucial because now you can try to control it instead of letting it control you. It’s all about choices and taking back your power. You drive your life. Your life doesn’t drive you.”

I grinned. “I like that—taking back my power. I feel like a weight has been lifted. When Sharon said it was forgiveness that helped her take her life back, that the things that’d happened to her weren’t her fault, that really hit home.”

Ash reached across the table for my hand. “Avery, have you felt that what happened to you since you were a little girl was your fault?”

“My mom overdosing and screwing men? I mean, why would you do that if you loved your child and wanted them around? My grandma killed herself after I moved in. Was it because I reminded her of her daughter? Or was it just the burden of having to take care of me? Either way, she killed herself all the same. And then, of course, there were all the foster parents. We were