“But at least I wouldn’t have felt so freaking stupid.”
“I get that. But the only way to not risk being hurt is not to fall in love again. Beck, or whoever it is, won’t come with a cast-iron guarantee.”
“True,” I replied. “But at the same time, if the warning bells go off—”
“Your warning bells are on a hair-trigger at the moment.”
Maybe she was right. Perhaps I’d overreacted, but the fact was Beck wasn’t tearing down my front door, telling me how desperate he was to be with me.
“I want a man who really wants me. Who sees me as a prize. A guy who wants to convince me that we should be together.”
“Do you feel that way about Beck? Do you really want him? See him as a prize? It’s not just up to Beck. You need to decide what you want, and it can’t just be someone who likes you. I swear, you never asked yourself if you were happy when you were with Matt. You just carried on because that’s what he wanted. You’re always so focused on everyone else, you never stop to ask yourself what you want.”
It wasn’t the first time someone had described our relationship along those lines. “I did love Matt,” I said. “I would have left him if I hadn’t.”
“Really?” she asked. “Or were you just used to him, didn’t know any better and making the best of it?”
“I wanted to marry him,” I said. I wouldn’t have stayed with someone for seven years making the best of it. I’d thought we had a future together.
“You wanted to be married to him or you thought that’s what was next?”
“I loved him, Florence.”
She sighed. “I know I’m being harsh. I just want you to be happy. The next man in your life should be so special you can’t live without him. I don’t want you ending up with someone just because they pick you.”
Maybe Matt and I were no Anthony and Cleopatra, but I was happy. I took a breath, thinking back, trying to remember what being with Matt had been like. It was only months we’d been apart, but the memories were so hazy now. I had been happy but there was something missing. Being with Beck had showed me that. Beck listened to me, trusted me, took my advice. And I believed in him and thought he felt the same.
“There were things that weren’t right with Matt. And I probably did just go along with things. I wanted to make him happy.”
“But what will make you happy, Stella?” she asked.
I tried to hold back a grin as I thought about Beck slowing down in the rain for me, holding my hand, whisking me away from Matt but not making a scene because he’d promised not to. And then that body and the things that it could do to my body. “I do like him,” I said in a small voice.
“Beck?” she asked.
“I just don’t understand why he wasn’t more persistent,” I said. “And although I like him, want him, think he could make me happy—I can’t be with a man who doesn’t want me enough to fight for me.”
“I get it. But something tells me that Beck’s relationships have been all about his dick up until you. He’s probably as confused as you are. Maybe you need to let him know you’re ready to be fought for.”
“Maybe,” I replied. Now that I’d let myself think about him, I couldn’t wait to see him.
“Weren’t you meant to have dinner with Karen’s godfather?” she asked me.
I nodded. That was this Saturday. Just two days away.
“Maybe that’s a good time to let him know.”
“Let him know what?” I asked.
“That you’re ready. To be fought for.”
Maybe I’d been too quick to label our relationship a holiday romance, as something that couldn’t be real. Because it felt more than real to me. I’d tried to convince myself I wasn’t the right woman for him, but the longer I spent without him, the more I couldn’t shake the feeling he was who I was meant to be with.
Thirty-Four
Stella
As I knocked on my boss’s door, I couldn’t decide if I was the world’s biggest idiot or just a fool pursuing my dreams.
“What is it?” she barked.
I opened the door.
“What now, Stella? I have a lot to get through and unless you’ve made this month’s target, so do you.”
At least she hadn’t suddenly become pleasant or I might have felt a little bad. I wondered whether she was always a