got to put cameras where they didn’t belong and capture the taboo.”
“Sounds like guy heaven to me,” Rori said, again keeping her voice neutral.
“And that’s the point, right? Guy heaven, with the girls just being props. I didn’t get it until I was directing it and one of my buds stepped in to fix something that I was doing wrong.”
“Which was?”
He swallowed nervously on the other side of the line. “You’ve got to understand that porn wasn’t a huge part of my life up until this. Sure, like any guy I’d seen magazines and even a few videos, but all really light weight. Mostly Hollywood, actually. It’s just how things were with my friend base. A guy is less likely to buy porn when he has a mom who puts his laundry away for him and changes his sheets. There just weren’t that many places to hide anything dirty, so I just never had it.”
Was he apologizing? Rori couldn’t tell, but made a noise to encourage him to continue.
“Point being, my idea of how sex scenes should go were mostly based on Hollywood, where scenes are directed to appeal to both men and women. That is generally referred to as erotica—two consenting adults enjoying each other. And that’s how I was framing everything up when I started this gig, which made me a little off message while directing for an exclusively male audience.”
“How so?”
“Porn isn’t erotica,” he said flatly. “It’s about domination. Subjugation. It’s about portraying a woman with no will, no mind, and no wants outside of pleasing a man. Whatever pleases the guy pleases her. And the more taboo, the more intense her alleged pleasure. No foreplay. No reciprocation. The more forcible the man, the more orgasmic the woman. That’s porn.”
“I see.”
“Maybe,” he conceded. “But I’ll tell you what I saw. Once I got past the euphoria of all the naked bodies around me, I realized something. The women I was filming had no respect for me. In fact, some of them resented me. When I wasn’t around they were joking about me—mocking me and what I had directed them to do and how I was weak sauce and how I had to raise my game if anyone was going to buy the shit we were making. Then they started joking about all the things they thought should be done to me, and who could blow me first.”
“And… you didn’t think that was hot?” she ventured.
“Are you kidding?” he all but gasped. “I mean some parts of porn will always turn a guy on, but by day two I had learned firsthand that there is something very soulless about porn. Everyone’s desensitized and thinking about performing and looking good and what their next gig is. Some of the actors were lifers, but some were still trying to break into something mainstream. The only thing they had in common was that none of them had any respect for anyone else in the room. I was surrounded by women who would sleep with me for any reason except the usual ones. I know I’m explaining this very well, but it was messed up, Rori. I don’t know if I’ll ever find the words, but all I can say is that anytime I thought about my mom seeing what I’d filmed I felt physically ill. She’d be shocked. Worse, she might cry. By the time day five came around, I barely made it across the finish line. I got the shots, all first takes, and called it a wrap. I can honestly say that I’d never felt so ashamed. I think I’ll die without ever feeling that ashamed again. I’d filmed five films to be added to library of porn out there, and I couldn’t take it back.”
“Wow,” Rori breathed. This was not what she had been expecting from Mr. Perfect. Not even close. Deep and dark? Check. Blackmail material? Most definitely.
“A few days later when Luke called me and asked me to move into his place, I didn’t even think. I just left. I didn’t have a plan at the time, but I just knew that I didn’t have what it took to make it Hollywood—at least not in the traditional sense. So I closed up shop and headed back home. Then, when people asked about what I’d done in Hollywood, I talked about the legitimate stuff. No one asked about the other, so I never volunteered.”
“Understandable,” she said, not sure what else to say.