threatened to overset her again. She dropped her hand and sank down on the edge of the bed.
She had told herself it was only a matter of time before things were well between them. She had made excuses and invented countless reasons for his absence from her room, but she could deceive herself no longer. He simply did not want her. He had mistaken his feelings and now they must face the consequences.
‘Are you still feeling unwell?’ he asked, looking at her with concern.
‘Yes.’
‘Elizabeth, it was an unpleasant morning, but—’
‘It is nothing to do with the morning,’ she said. ‘It is us. We should never have married.’
He looked stunned.
‘I have been trying to pretend to myself that it was just the newness of our life together, or that you were being considerate, or that it would not be long before you came to me, but I cannot go on pretending. I know now we should never have married. I will not stay here to embarrass you and distress myself.’ She thought of Longbourn and a wave of homesickness washed over her. She wanted to be amongst familiar sights and familiar people. ‘As soon as I feel well enough, I will pack my bags and go back to England.’
‘No! You cannot go! I forbid it!’ he said, striding into the room but then hesitating and stopping before he reached her, with lines of pain etched clearly across his face.
‘There is nothing else to be done,’ she said. ‘This is not a marriage. I am not your wife.’
His complexion became pale and she saw some great emotion wash over him as he struggled for composure, but composure would not come and at last he said in agitation, ‘I can’t come to you. There are things about me you don’t know…’
‘Then tell me!’ she cried, jumping up. ‘That is what men and women do when they are in love. They talk to each other. They share their thoughts and feelings. They share their problems. They share their secrets, they share everything.’ She stopped and sighed, making an effort to master her overwhelming emotion, and then she continued in a calmer manner. ‘Will you not tell me what is worrying you? We are married, Darcy. We took an oath to love each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health. Those words mean something. They mean that we stand together in times of trial and we share our burdens as well as our joys. There is nothing so terrible that we cannot face it if we do so together.’
His face was ashen.
‘I can’t share this with you,’ he said.
‘Why not? Don’t you trust me?’ she asked.
‘It’s not that—’
‘Then what is it?’ she cried.
He shook his head as though he were being goaded beyond endurance and said, ‘It is for your own good.’
‘How can it be for my own good?’ she cried in astonishment. ‘Whatever your secret, it cannot be more terrible than the pain I am feeling at this moment.’
He started, but then he let out a cry and he said, ‘If I tell you, then there will no going back. Once you have the knowledge you will never be rid of it, and if you decide you were happier without it, it will be too late.’
‘Then if you won’t tell me, there is no hope for us,’ she said with a droop of her shoulders.
‘Don’t say that.’
‘What else is there to be said?’
She saw his expression change slightly and she thought that he was weakening. She held out her hand to him and he moved as if he was going to take it. His fingers reached out to her but then he drew them back.
‘No! I can’t. But I can’t go on like this either,’ he said in agony. ‘I have to think.’
He sprang towards the door.
She had a sudden and terrible fear that if she let him leave the room she would never see him again.
‘Darcy!’ she called, but it was too late, for he had already gone.
Chapter 12
Annie soon returned with a bowl of fresh water and sponged Elizabeth’s brow. Elizabeth felt nothing except the emptiness of her own heart. When Annie had finished sponging her brow, Elizabeth got up and went over to her writing desk and finished her letter to Jane.
I can conceal from you no longer the true state of affairs, for I can no longer conceal them from myself. My husband does not love me. I have fought against it but