Mismatched Under the Mistletoe - Jess Michaels Page 0,52
him. Giving him wild hope he clung to with both hands, knowing it might slip away like so much sand in an hourglass.
But at least he’d know he’d tried. At least he wouldn’t lay awake at night ever again, recognizing he was too cowardly to cross that invisible line that separated them.
“I would,” he said. “This is beyond sex for you. If it weren’t you wouldn’t be jealous.”
Now she gasped and it was with an affronted tone. “I am not jealous!”
He arched a brow. “Best friends, remember?” She folded her arms and glared at him. “And if it were just sex, I don’t think you’d be pacing around the library, your lips pale. That wonderful mind of yours turning as it does when you are trying to think your way out of something.”
“I would really like to hate you for knowing me so well. It’s abominable in this situation,” she said.
Relief flooded him. She was teasing with him, at least a little. Like old times. One more point for wild hope. “Hate away, I can take it.”
She stepped toward him, but not close enough to touch. “I’m so confused, Cav.”
He nodded. “And I know that, too. Understand, I don’t expect you to have any answers right now. I’ve had nearly a decade to adjust to the fact that you are the center of my world. The love of my life.”
“Cavendish,” she whispered, her voice trembling at those words. “What would you have me do with this information, then? You imply you are the expert of the two of us. Advise me.”
He moved toward her and caught her hand. He lifted it to his lips and kissed her gloved knuckles gently. Her fingers flexed against his. “I only ask you to think about what I’ve said to you tonight. Please consider it. Consider if it is something you could accept. Perhaps embrace? Consider if it is a feeling you could ever…return.”
Her lips trembled. “And what if I can’t?”
It felt like the air went out of the room with those words. He was no fool. He had studied this woman and examined his own heart for so long it was second nature to do so. He’d always known that revealing himself would be a risk. And that she might refuse him, either out of lack of feeling, or inability to accept for fear or guilt.
He drew a few long breaths to refill his lungs. To calm his racing heart. To keep himself from gripping her to him and proving she felt something with a kiss or by making love to her.
That wasn’t fair.
“If you could not allow me into your heart, I would always be your friend, Emily. That will never change between us, love or not.”
“Then you’ll just continue to love me from afar forever?” she gasped. “That sounds almost unbearably cruel.”
“Life is cruel, love. And sometimes it’s not. I’ve lived with both and so have you.” He released her hand. “I cannot imagine a scenario where I would not love you. Trust me, I tried very hard to change my heart at the beginning and could not. But…”
She swallowed. “But?”
He shook his head. “I will move on if you refuse me. I will have to do so—we’ve already talked about that.”
“Marry, you mean,” she said, her voice so soft it almost didn’t carry despite how close they stood now.
“Yes, I mean I will marry. And I will have to live my life so I can be happy and not make anyone else in my path miserable.”
She nodded slowly. “I understand.”
He let out a sigh. Suddenly he was completely exhausted. Apparently letting go of a secret one had held for a third of one’s life was so cathartic as to make a man dramatically take to his bed. “You’ll need space now. So I’ll go up. I won’t ruin the rest of your beautiful party by putting myself in your way.”
She caught her breath, and he could see she wished to talk him into pretending things were normal. He held up a hand to stop her. “And I need some of that space myself to think about what happened tonight, too.”
He stepped closer to her. She didn’t back away. He traced her cheek with his fingertips, let his thumb press to her lower lip. She tilted her face up, just as she had the first time he kissed her, and she was an undeniable temptation. He leaned into her and took her lips.
He wanted to devour her. He always wanted to