I loved your father.”
“I know that. And he knew it, too. I think you've been married so many times because you’re trying to recreate what you had with him, and I don’t think it's working for you. With Karl, it's something else. He's very different and maybe that's what you need.”
“He is different.”
“And he makes you happy.”
“And what about what makes you happy?”
Jessica blinked rapidly to ward off the impending tears that sat just inside her lids, ready to spill at a moment’s notice. She would not cry again. She’d already spent too long crying over Eli. “I'm happy and happy for you.”
“You might be happy for me, sweetie, but like your grandmother used to say, you ain't happy.”
“I keep thinking about the whole Eli situation and wishing I’d done something differently. Maybe if I hadn’t freaked out as easily, or made it easier for him to tell me, or maybe listened more.”
“You stop that now. I think Izzy probably already told you this, but let me give it a shot. After all, I am your mother. Everything in life was supposed to lead you to this moment right here. It’s what you do with the information you have that matters. You can’t change the past. You can only move forward. You think I didn’t wonder if Karl would forgive me and take me back?”
“That's different. Karl has loved you since you two met on that old folks’ singles cruise.”
“I'm not old.” Her mother slapped Jessica on the arm.
“Ow, yeah, okay. But Eli didn't love me. At least he never said as much.” And when he did it was in desperation. “He needed me and went about it the wrong way.”
“But he tried to find you. I called home, and Rosa said he'd come there looking for you.”
“Izzy said the same thing. But it doesn’t matter. I will never know how he actually feels about me because he lied in the beginning. The whole time we spent together is tainted with it.”
“What about starting fresh? Can we start fresh?” Eli asked from the doorway.
Jessica whipped around, her breath catching. Goosebumps rose on her flesh as her heart thundered. This was a dream. Had to be a dream. She missed him so much that her brain had conjured an image of him.
As usual, he was dressed impeccably in a suit. Charcoal this time. He wore no tie, but his bright blue shirt made the jade green of his eyes even more startling. God, the man looked good enough to eat. She straightened her legs, mentally bolting them to the ground before they betrayed her and ran over to him.
Jessica’s mother’s eyes widened. Then she whispered, “I’ll just—”
“Oh, no you don't, Mom. Did you call him?”
“Just once, let me play the meddling mother, would you? Talk to him.” With that, she teetered on her high heels and paused in front of Eli. “You hurt her again, and I really will kill you. You understand me?”
Eli's jaw went slack. Jessica barked a laugh. Well, well. Mom was full of all kinds of surprises.
“I’ll only take a minute,” he murmured. “I know this is a big day.”
Jessica couldn’t believe her mother. “Eli, I don't want to do this. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want this to—”
“Sassy, please. Hear me out. If you don’t want to see me ever again after this, I’ll go. I'll leave you alone. You won’t have to worry about me going all stalker ex-boyfriend on you, as you say.”
She chuffed a laugh. “Doesn’t have the same connotation, but whatever.”
“I know I fucked this up. Every which way that I could have fucked this up, I did. And I know it. Every step along the way, I kept thinking now, now I can tell her. And then there’d be some real or imagined reason I couldn't. Some of the reasons were for your safety or for the sake of the case, but in all honesty, I just didn’t want to give you up. I knew that once you realized I was only the guy in the suit and not the artist, any attraction for me would have been long gone. I knew that if I wasn’t dangerous or exciting, or all wrong in some way you, wouldn't want me, so I lied. I’m not proud of it, and every step of the way I knew it would cost me you. And I still couldn’t do it.”
“Eli, I—”
He put out a hand. “Please, let me finish. I tried to tell