him.
‘I’m going to put the light on because I can’t see to do anything otherwise.’ He flicked the switch and the magical bistro atmosphere evaporated.
‘Er, okay. Good, because I was hoping to go over my business plan and my market stall application with you too. I registered my business with the council today.’ She rocked on her heels.
‘Great,’ he said. He ran his fingers through his hair. She could tell he was nervous.
‘What’s wrong?’ She’d been worrying about the uncomfortable vibe she’d felt that evening after they’d decorated her dad’s kitchen. It was still there.
He took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. ‘The thing is, I thought I could do this … but I can’t.’
‘Is it a complicated recipe?’ She peered in the cooker at a casserole dish.
‘Not the meal. Us.’ To his credit he appeared excruciatingly awkward.
Regan blinked. ‘How do you mean?’
‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘Try,’ said Regan. She got the distinct feeling she was about to get dumped.
‘Come and sit down,’ he said, leading her through to the living room.
She sat on the sofa and waited. She had the same sinking sensation she got when Nigel did her performance review.
Charlie clasped his hands together in front of him. ‘Regan, you’re brilliant and I thought we could have some fun for as long as I’m here.’ She didn’t like to hear him talk like this, but she wanted an explanation. ‘But the closer we get, and the more time we spend together, the tougher it’s going to be for both of us. I don’t want to make this any harder than it’s going to be, so—’
‘Hold on a minute,’ said Regan. She knew he was speaking from the heart, which made his words hurt all the more. She needed to halt his speech. ‘We can keep it on a superficial level. Fun only. I promise.’ She crossed her chest and a glimmer of a smile crossed his lips. She was desperate to cling on to whatever amount of contact she could. They had a connection. She wasn’t about to walk away from the best thing that was ever likely to happen to her.
‘I don’t know that we can.’ The look he gave her made her insides puddle and a crazy paving of cracks shatter across her heart. ‘I’ve been seeing my therapist again. I had been coping up until …’
‘Meeting me?’ she asked. He nodded.
‘It’s not your fault, Regan, but the thought of leaving you behind breaks my heart.’ He puffed out a breath. ‘And worse than that, I can’t bear the thought of messing you up.’
She lifted her chin. ‘I barely know you. Won’t shed a tear,’ she said, but the crack in her voice let her down.
Charlie raised one eyebrow. ‘See? I can’t be responsible for that. And I know it’s selfish, but I want my last few months to be fun, not sad and guilt ridden. It hurts enough to think about how my passing will affect my parents, and that’s more than enough for me to handle. I can’t have you on my conscience too. Do you understand?’
‘I think so. You’re not a fan of the “better to have loved and lost” ethos then.’
‘No, I want to leave as much happiness behind as I can. Not sad, screwed-up people.’
She let out a deep sigh. ‘What do we do now?’ She sent up a silent prayer that he wasn’t going to ban her from seeing him. Her heart ached at the very thought. She reached for his hand and he gently pulled it away.
‘I think we need to keep things formal.’
‘I look great in a suit,’ quipped Regan. She wasn’t good at serious discussions.
‘I meant treat each other more like colleagues. No physical contact.’ She could see he was uncomfortable suggesting this and she could practically feel her uterus cop a strop.
‘What … none at all?’ It came out squeakier than she’d expected.
‘I think it’s best. I did look into moving away, getting a transfer to a different county,’ she jolted her head back – moving to get away from her was a bit extreme, ‘but it would upset my parents and be harder for them to sort things out … at the end.’
‘I see.’
She realised she’d been too hasty ticking the boyfriend item off her lottery list, but at least he wasn’t moving away; she was thankful for that. She was upset that he’d even considered it.
‘Do you agree?’
She didn’t have much of a choice. ‘Okay. If that’s really what you want. Let’s