still winced when he thought about how he’d horned in on the wedding, going behind her back, and later, how he’d told her to get over her fears of having her mom’s gift. He wasn’t perfect, but she seemed okay with that. Being with her made him a better man.
Just as important, he liked taking care of her. He liked making her laugh and helping out when he could. He liked being with her and not just for sex. He liked how she’d picked the cat who seemed right, even though Fred hadn’t been easy at first. She was so competent at work. She was resourceful and brave and funny. So what was the problem?
He supposed part of the issue could be the fact that he wasn’t the man he’d been three years ago. Everything was different now. He’d made a life, he’d found a new career, he’d met a girl. But did he love her?
Jasper wasn’t sure what love was—not really. A feeling, yes, but wasn’t it more than that? Wasn’t it as much about the other person as himself? When he thought about Renee he was happy. When he was with her, he wanted to spend more time with her.
He walked around his office, Koda watching him, as if a little worried.
“I’m okay,” he told the dog. At least he would be when he got his act together.
What if she was sick? What if she was dying? Would he want to deal with her then? He’d seen a lot of horrible things on his tours with the army and figured he could handle pretty much anything she had to deal with. He wasn’t afraid of fighting with her, he knew she had a good heart. But was that enough?
Did he want to take care of her, no matter what? Did he want to make her happy, even if he had to sacrifice some things? What if she didn’t want to live up in the mountains? What if she wanted to live in town?
He thought for a second. He could do the town thing. He would keep the house in the mountains and he might have to come up here to write for a few days at a time, but if living in Happily Inc made her happy, then he wanted to buy her the house of her dreams. He wanted to hold her and be with her and—
He turned to Koda. “I want kids. With Renee. I want kids and car trips and an IRA and a joint checking account and hell, a minivan. I love her. I’m in love with her.”
Koda sighed, as if relieved he’d finally figured it out.
“You like her, too, don’t you, boy?”
Koda’s tail wagged.
“That’s what I thought. I think you’d be good with kids. She has cats now, so that will take some getting used to for all of us. I’ve never had a cat.”
Of course he’d never had a dog, either, and that seemed to be going well.
“I love her,” he repeated, not sure what to do next. “I guess I should go see her.”
They could go out to dinner to celebrate her mom and Ed’s engagement and then he could casually mention his feelings. Or maybe that was better done in private. Either way, he should go to town right now and talk to her.
“I won’t be late,” he told Koda. “I won’t stay the night. I’ll be home to take care of you.”
He quickly fed the dog, made sure the doggie door was operational, then drove down the mountain road leading to Happily Inc. Along the way he tried to find the right words, but everything he came up with seemed lame, which was not a good sign. He kind of made his living with words—shouldn’t he be better at this?
Still not sure what verbal direction made the most sense, he parked by her apartment building, raced across the lawn and took the stairs to her place only to hesitate in front of her door for at least three minutes. Finally he knocked.
She opened the door and smiled when she saw him.
“Jasper! Did I know you were coming by? Come on in. It’s a big night here. Fred accidentally sat on my lap for about thirty seconds. Then he came to his senses, hissed at me and ran off. Lucille, on the other hand, sticks close and loves to snuggle.”
She looked incredible. She was barefoot and casually dressed in capris and a T-shirt. She’d scrubbed off her makeup. There were