Matchmaker (Empire High #4) - Ivy Smoak Page 0,144

about Brooklyn.”

“You can tell me now.”

“It’s a long story.”

She shrugged. “I’ve got time.”

“I’m pretty sure I fell in love with her the first moment I ever saw her.” I looked at the painting in front of me with Brooklyn’s smiling face. “She stuck out. Not because of her worn uniform or anything like that. But because she was…she was just a really good person. She wasn’t tainted by this world yet. She was pure. And perfect. And she was mine.” I filled Penny in on the story. All the way up to the vows I never got to say to Brooklyn. The ones I said at her funeral instead. I even told her our bitter last words to each other.

I looked over at Penny. She was wiping tears off her cheeks. “My heart hurts for you.”

It was something exactly like Brooklyn would say.

“I had no idea,” Penny said. “I’m so sorry.”

“How could you have known? I never told you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t want you to look at me like you’re looking at me right now. Like I’m broken.”

She leaned over and hugged me. “I don’t think you’re broken, Matt. I think you’re in pain. And that’s when you’re supposed to let friends in.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “About everything. And while I’m at it. For the past few years…I didn’t think of you as a friend. I lied. You remind me of her. And I think I…I just liked being close to you. I definitely had a little crush on you.”

She pulled away from my hug. “Wow, the guys were right? They’re never going to let me live this down.” She laughed even though it was forced. She tried to wipe her remaining tears away.

“She’s beautiful,” Penny said as she stared at the paintings.

“She was.” I needed to get used to talking about Brooklyn in the past tense. I needed to get used to talking about her at all.

“So that’s it?” Penny said. “You’re going to keep your promise to her and never date anyone else?”

“Would you date someone else if James died?”

She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on one of them. “That’s an impossible question. If I waited 16 years? Our kids would be in high school and college.” She smiled. “God, 16 years is a long time. I don’t know how to answer that.” She looked over at me. “My gut reaction is no. I can’t imagine my life without him. And I’m sorry you’re living your life without her.”

We were both quiet.

“I almost lost him before. And it felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out. Like I was slowly dying too.” She cringed as if the memory was too painful.

I knew the feeling.

“But James and I have lived a life that I’m proud of. We’re a family. We have kids. Is that something you want?”

“Yes.” I was so sick of lying to myself. “I really want that.”

“You’re not a bad person for wanting that,” she said.

“Am I a bad person for wanting to love someone else?”

“No. Not even a little bit.” She looked over at me. “The emotional brick wall thing makes sense in this context too. You were trying not to love anyone else.”

“I’ve never loved anyone else. I’ve kept my promise.”

“And now?”

I didn’t respond.

“It’s scary,” she said. “Facing the unknown. But what’s the alternative? Not living?”

I didn’t know what to say.

“You should see the way Kennedy looks at you.”

I knew how Kennedy looked at me.

“I’m sorry too,” she said

“What are you sorry about?”

“I gave you this huge lecture about how toxic keeping secrets was. And you were right. I had one too. It’s okay to be scared. I know what it’s like to have the future you wanted pulled away from you.”

I pressed my lips together.

“And if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. I know how to fill up the silence. You were wondering what I’ve been sad about, right?” She shrugged. “You thought it was about James. It has nothing to do with him, but also everything to do with him. He’s given me this amazing life. More than I could have possibly dreamed of. And I just wanted to give him one thing in return.” She closed her eyes. “A house full of children. And I can’t.” Her voice cracked. “I can’t have any more children.”

Fuck.

She wiped the tears that were trailing down her cheeks and opened up her eyes. “There was a complication with the surgery when I had Liam. I can’t have