(see above). This category was dominated by virtually every job in the food court, including America’s Best Cookie.
4. THE DAVID SILVERS
These were sucky jobs at all the punny stores specializing in very specific and very boring things beloved by old farts: Feet First (orthopedic shoes), Sew Amazing! (fabrics), Deck the Walls (picture frames).
5. THE SAD, SAD SCOTT SCANLONS
The lowest of the low. Woolworths Pet Center dead guppy scooper-outer. Razzmatazz Family Restaurant balloon animal-maker/busboy. Trash can gum-scraper.
Surf*Snow*Skate was the Ultimate Dylan McKay.
The HELP WANTED in the window was not merely a sign.
It was the sign.
At Surf*Snow*Skate, I’d find redemption. I’d show Troy and Helen and everyone else, I deserved more than America’s Best Cookie. I was better than a scrubby Steve Sanders! I was Dylan McKay material!
I strutted into the store and found myself face-to-face with Slade Johnson and Bethany Darling. Voted Pineville High Class of 1991’s Best-Looking Guy and Girl, Slade and Bethany frustrated all fans of beautiful out-of-wedlock babies by rejecting the assumed inevitable and not coupling up. Bethany wore a pink push-up bikini top with high-waisted spandex bike shorts. Slade wore knee-length Jams, but his tank top was cut low around the armpits, almost down to his waist. He was exposing as much suntanned skin as she was, and I was sort of impressed by the store’s equal-opportunity, all-genders approach to sex as a sales tactic.
“Hey!” I announced myself. “I’m here for the job!”
Bethany and Slade did double takes.
“Cassie Worthy?” Bethany squinted at me.
Slade didn’t take his eyes off me.
“Didn’t you like, almost die?” Bethany asked.
“I had the worst case of mono my doctor had ever seen,” I bragged. “But I’m totally fine now.”
“Totally,” said Slade. “Fine.”
“Well, the mono diet is amazing!” Bethany marveled. “You must’ve lost, like, twenty pounds.”
Leave it to Bethany to celebrate my involuntary starvation. I had to take her word for my weight loss because I never stepped on a scale. But I had noticed that my once-snug jeans now slipped past my hip bones. I also had hip bones for the first time in my teenage life, and my belt was cinched at a never-before-seen notch. It wouldn’t last long though. Unlike Bethany—whose entire diet consisted of cottage cheese and Diet Pepsi—I liked eating real food like a healthy human being.
“You just need a few hours in the tanning booth,” advised Slade.
Bethany nodded in agreement. The two of them were sculpted and bronzed to teenage perfection. Slade was undeniably great looking and totally deserved the yearbook superlative, but I’d never found him attractive. Slade was just so predictable with his handsomeness, the quintessence of every uncreative football-playing, homecoming queen–dating, keg-tapping high school stud stereotype. It’s as if he’d enrolled in a master class at the Cobra Kai Academy of Asshole Arts and Sciences but took it pass-fail because he couldn’t be bothered to put in the extra effort required for a unique spin on teenage cockiness.
“Oh! Okay! Thanks!” I said brightly. “So, you’re hiring?”
“We’re hiring,” Slade said.
“Yeah,” Bethany said, “but it’s, like, super competitive. We only take the best.”
No duh, I thought. That’s why it’s a Dylan McKay.
“We’ve got a few routine questions we ask all candidates.” Bethany pulled on the base of the platinum ponytail anchored high on her scalp. “It’s, like, a prescreening to see whether it’s even worth our time to give you an application.”
“Really? This sounds more complicated than getting into college…”
And as soon as I said it, I realized it was a mistake.
“Does that mean you’re only going to be here until September?” Bethany asked.
“Well…” I hedged. “Um…”
“It’s our busiest time of year,” Slade said. “She’d be a big help.”
“June and December are our busiest times of year,” Bethany corrected.
“Just ask her the questions!” Slade demanded, going full Cobra Kai. “And let the head honcho decide!”
“Fine,” Bethany said testily.
Now for the sake of accuracy, I wish I could provide the exact wording of the merciless quizzing that followed. At best, I can only provide a vague approximation that went something like this.
BETHANY: What are the pros and cons of a longboard versus a funboard for a beginner?
ME:?
BETHANY: What’s a goofy foot?
ME:??
BETHANY: Have you ever set foot on a surfboard, a snowboard, or a skateboard?
ME:???
“We can’t hire you.”
I hated the store.
I hated Slade and Bethany.
I hated Troy and Helen.
But I mostly hated myself for wanting the job so badly.
“You don’t know anything about surfing, snowboarding, or skating.”
See above for reference and trust that it was a million times worse than that. Bethany was right. I didn’t know anything about