if she wanted to get through this life unscathed.
Besides, even now, knowing that he’d betrayed her, that he’d used her, she wanted to feel his heat beside her. She wanted to be in his arms again to feel his kiss, his touch. She curled up into herself, a pillow tucked into her abdomen and wondered what the fuck was wrong with her.
Was she some kind of masochist, wanting to be punished for things she hadn’t done? Was that what her mother had taught her, to take abuse and thrive despite, maybe because, of it? No, she wasn’t that kind of person, she knew that. She just had… very bad luck. Luck that came about because of her mother’s behavior.
All those years ago, Ruby had set in motion so many things, her own downfall included. Marie was still paying the price for those decisions, and she probably would for a long time. Should she just give in to Matteo’s offer then?
Her eyes stared into the room, lit only by the television. It felt like a prison cell and always had. She could admit that to herself now. She’d always felt trapped and he’d offered her a way out. Alright, he’d lied to her about it, well, he hadn’t really lied.
He’d left things out. He’d pretended he hadn’t known her though, and that was a lie, wasn’t it? Did it matter though, really?
Matteo could give her a life she’d never dreamed of, the kind of life her mother had coveted beyond reason. For once in her life, she could live without worry. If she gave in to Matteo’s request, if she ignored the things he’d done to win her over, if he actually wanted to have some kind of relationship with her, then maybe she should consider his proposal?
He had been kind to her after all. He’d arranged to make sure she had free nights and had been there with her during the final stages of her mother’s illness. He hadn’t shied away, he’d supported her. That may have all been an act, a way to enlist her trust, but he’d done it. She’d seen the compassion on his face so many times, seen the way he’d tried to help her.
And then there was the way he kissed her. Surely a man couldn’t fake that much desire? Sure, her mother would say that a man didn’t care what he fucked as long as it laid still, but he kissed her with heat, with desire, a passion that wasn’t like anything her mother had ever described. He held her to him. Touched her to bring her pleasure, not just himself.
He’d given her so much pleasure, in so many ways. Surely all of that hadn’t been faked. Some of it must be real? Could she use that?
She hated herself for that thought. Could she use his feelings against him, that was something her mother would think, she knew.
Marie rolled the other way and wanted nothing more than to go back to his house and climb into bed with him. Damn, maybe she was a glutton for punishment. But was it really that delirious to hope for some happiness in life? To hope that maybe the world had something wonderful to offer to her?
Memories flashed in her mind, that night they’d spent together, wrapped up in each other. She could still remember the way he’d groaned her name and it made something… twinge inside of her. Deep inside, in that secret place that only Matteo had ever touched.
She had to admit it, even knowing that he’d betrayed her, with a pain in her heart that she couldn’t ignore - she still wanted the man. She wanted to be near him, to smell him, and to hear the soft way he breathed when he was asleep. Was it so stupid to love him?
He was undoubtedly trouble, and even with all of that Mafia money, there could be legal consequences to a relationship with him. Could she stand that, if he was taken off to prison one day, or killed by a rival? No, she doubted the Mafia was anything like that nowadays. They’d modernized, surely.
But would they?
She reached over to her nightstand, dug around inside of the drawer, and found the bottle of pills there. She didn’t want to take another one of the stupid things, but she needed to sleep. She needed to forget all of this. She was wandering off into impossibly ridiculous realms and it was time to let it go.
She’d wake up