Broken Bread every Sunday meant his absence here, I realized.
With that, Adrian left me there to deal with Jesus. And to deal with myself. I didn’t do a good job with either.
Spring rolled in and the days peeled back, dry and scaly, ripping at old wounds. Daddy came to cook every Sunday, but he hadn’t been to church since “the incident” as he referred to the Trevor’s little confession some weeks prior. Jordan and his girlfriend remained scarce. Rochelle and I maintained our shaky peace, solidified through silence and distance. Tracey? Well, she went home to Ryan and called me more than was healthy for either of us.
Dahlia called regularly, her voice tinged with regret. I spoke lovingly to her, surprised to hear my pity in my voice, but it was there. Pity for her…and for me.
Sure it’s nice to know that Jesus loves the little children and all, but there was also a one-of-a-kind crazy love, the love I’d felt at Austin’s dinner. Song of Solomon love. Whether I’d been operating before out of duty or discipline I didn’t know, but now there was a devotion, a bond that made me want to pull away and be touched by Him.
Filled.
My once clear-cut goals didn’t even make sense anymore. I mean, yeah, I wanted the store, but I don’t want it to own me. And this thing with Adrian…despite my vows to protect myself from him, somewhere in the worship, as God lavished His love upon me, I’d forgiven my old friend and acknowledged my love for him. Whether anything would ever change between us was up to God.
I’d loved him all my life, but how could I consider being in love with him, devoting my emotion to someone else when I wasn’t sure how to love myself? There were no easy answers, but something had changed. I wanted Adrian, and I wanted to be the mother of his babies. Yes, that was plural.
Sierra proved to be the biggest eye-opener in that regard. Kids were something I wrote off my wish list a long time ago, mainly because I didn’t think I had time enough, money enough, love enough for another human being. Being with her, I saw that God had enough love and so would I, whenever the time came.
And Trevor? I realize now what I didn’t when we were together. No woman could fill his needs. Even Dahlia couldn’t fill that pit. Only Jesus could. The question was, what would I do with all my love now that I’d owned up to having some? Give it away again or give it all to God, where it would be safe?
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The only thing I’d been loving lately was this shop. And I couldn’t even carry that anymore. I loved my business. It fulfilled me. But if it had to end, so be it. Really, how much was too much? Where does good stewardship leave off and idolatry take over? Seeing as it’s 3:00 a.m. again—and I’m still here with sweaty braids and dirty jeans I tugged on out of my overflowing laundry basket, I’ve crossed the line somewhere.
My fast-food-littered apartment and the foot of junk on the floor of my car skipped through my mind. My gaze wandered, stopping at my belly partitioned distinctly by my belt. And my Bible, where was it again? Still in the car from church?
I sighed, skinning peaches for Tangela’s last bridal event—the one-day spa cruise. She’d promised to have the second installment of my fee tomorrow, though I wondered now if I’d even stay awake long enough to collect it. Of everything going on, this maid of honor thing had been the first place I’d crossed the line for the wrong reasons.
And it hadn’t been the last. The red numbers on my electronic balance sheet echoed the stark reality. Even with the money Tangela had owed me, only God could help me now.
Four hours of sleep managed to look good on me, or so I thought until I scrambled down the freezing boat dock in the midst of a pink army of DKNY-clad Tangela clones. There was something so ridiculous about their head-to-toe perfection that struck me as painfully funny.
Tangela didn’t seem as amused. “Did you bring the stuff?”
I nodded, lifting the tubs toward her with my peach-stained fingers.
She grimaced. “Just take them inside. Everything is ready. What happened though? You were supposed to come and help me set up.”
Hmm…true enough, I hadn’t been reading the manual, but I certainly