return to work, yet the thought is daunting. I haven’t left the apartment, not even for funeral preparations. I’ve done everything possible over the phone and online, then cried myself sick. Now I must pull myself together and bury the three members of my famiglia who mean the most to me. Everyone with the last name Castelano is gone, but I can only bear to think of my immediate family right now.
I was heartbroken when I’d found out what happened to my famiglia, and then the betrayal struck me deep when I discovered Max had a part in it all. I blamed him for it all at first, as if he’d been the one to pull the trigger. I’m still angry inside, but I no longer loathe him and want to kill him with my own two hands. I’m not that type of person, the one who allows hate to consume her heart. I may be a tough one when I need to be, but I know my soul is good. I have to work on forgiveness and acceptance, but I’m still so fucking sad inside. This should be the happiest time of my life right now, yet it’s the opposite. My mind is filled with too many what-if’s it’s made my head spin anytime I have a moment out of the depressing fog that seems to encompass my being.
I pull on the ankle-length, long-sleeved dress with a deep V-cut neckline. It’s jet-black with a layer of fine ebony lace over top and fits like a glove against my curves. Though I’m not feeling as curvy today, being that my appetite has diminished with my misery. I step into my ‘Anjalina’ Louboutin pumps, reach for my wide-brim dress hat and my sunglasses. They too are all black, and I gain a small sense of comfort having my grief on full display for everyone to witness.
If Nonna were here, she’d chide me. I can hear her voice in my head, “Add color, never mourn before you must.” She’d say the same thing anytime I was dressed in all black. My red bottoms are for her. She’d appreciate the stark red on the bottom of the pumps, as well as the rubies in my ears. It sends a spasm to my heart, knowing I’ll miss her forever and there’s nothing I can do to change that fact. Today is for mourning, Nonna, I think, with one last glance in the mirror.
Giovanna is by my side throughout the services. I don’t think I would’ve made it to the end without her. Tradition in the syndicate dictates funerals be large and lavish with everyone in attendance. It’s the appropriate time to pay their respects to the famiglia, as well as say good-bye, and in some cases thanks’ to the departed. Typically, there’d be food and refreshments afterwards, welcoming everyone to stop by afterwards, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I tried to work up the nerve to go to my parents’ home to figure out having guests over afterwards and I couldn’t go through with it. I don’t care who it offends. They should be sensible to my grieving and respect that I haven’t gotten far enough in this process yet to want to socialize or see anyone for that matter.
I know I can’t wait forever to go through my famiglias’ belongings and whatnot, but as of right now, I’ll have the maid service keep up with the place. I really need to consider moving back in until I figure out my permanent living arrangements. I got rid of my apartment before I married Max, so that’s out of the question. A nice place like that doesn’t last long on the market, so I already know it won’t be available. I still have to get my things from Max’s place. I’ve been living off Amazon deliveries, aside from what Giovanna was able to grab me from my parents’ home. I’d always kept a few things in my old room in case I needed to stop by there or stayed over for holidays, but it’s hardly an entire wardrobe.
I’m not entirely sure how Max is going to react to everything now either. He may want to kill me after I shot him, but I have a feeling if that were the case, I’d already be dead. He doesn’t seem to miss his mark, and I doubt that would change with me being involved. I showed him mercy when I shot him and