to wedge her car into one of the only spaces left. There are a bunch of cars up here, at least fifteen or so, parked haphazardly on the gravel outside a barnlike structure. It looks like a hobbit’s house. “This is where you guys are playing?” I raise my eyebrows at her, skeptical.
She bites her lip and breaks eye contact. “May, don’t freak out, okay?”
My heart sinks deep into my chest. “What?” The word comes out flat. Short. Scared.
She squints out the windshield, avoiding my glare as she speaks. “Look. Here’s the thing. This is Anne’s uncle’s house. He lent it to her for the night. I wasn’t lying—the band is playing, but this is also sort of…an unofficial memorial. Since the one at school didn’t exactly go as planned.”
My face is burning. “Anne’s uncle’s…? Lucy. What in the actual fuck. Why would you bring me here?” My voice starts to rise.
She sighs and has the audacity to roll her eyes at me. It makes me want to punch her. “C’mon, man. Can you just go with it? Please? For me?”
My stomach clenches. I’m not even that upset she lied to me; I’m more terrified that I’m about to be confronted by a bunch of people who hate my guts. If someone asked me earlier today to come up with the thing I’d want to do least tonight, this would have been right at the top of the list. Lucy should have known not to do this.
I shake my head back and forth. “I can’t go in there. No one wants to see me. They’re probably all waiting to throw shit at me. Take me home. Or get your shit and get out of the car, and I’ll drive myself. Either way, I’m not going in there. That’s all I know. There is no way I’m going in there.”
She reaches over and grabs my limp hand out of my lap. She holds it up against her heart. “I promise you, they do want to see you. Can you please just trust me? I would never put you in a bad situation. You know that, I think.”
Tears prick at the edges of my eyes. I try to blink them away, but a few escape and roll down my cheek. Traitors. I catch them with my tongue and suck them hard into my mouth.
I’m silent for what feels like forever. Thinking. Looking out at the barn. Trying to decide whether I can do this.
Whether I can be brave.
Finally, I nod. Because it’s Lucy. Because Zach’s in there somewhere. Because I know Jordan would have wanted me to try.
It’s about fucking time I started trying.
I unbuckle my seat belt and get out of the car. As we walk into the house, I try to keep my head down. The inside looks like a giant yurt. The living room furniture has been pushed back against the walls, and a bunch of my classmates mingle in the middle of the room. Across the room, I see Conor and a couple other guys from the band setting up their gear.
The first person we run into is Anne. Of course it’s Anne. She’s by the doorway, talking with a girl I recognize from school.
“Hi, guys.” Anne nods at Lucy, then turns to me. “May. It’s good to see you.” She sounds sincere.
I bite down on my chewed cheeks and take a deep breath before responding. “Yeah. You too.”
“I’m glad you came. I think it’s important for us all to take some time to heal together.” She pauses. “Look. I know you think I’m the most annoying person on the planet, but I have to tell you something. No one blames you, May.”
“Okay,” I reply. It’s the most pleasant exchange we’ve ever had, but I don’t believe her.
Anne’s mouth trembles. “After your speech, our group had a meeting. I know you don’t have any interest in being a part of it, but—May, you should have heard the stories. The guilt you feel—it’s normal. We’ve all been carrying it.” A tear runs down her cheek. She blinks hard and swallows. When