other guys, and I fucking hated it. That wasn’t what I wanted, Taylor. But I knew it was my fault. I pushed you away. I kept thinking about all the time we spent together, how you made me laugh when I’d totally forgotten how. I was falling in love with you, early on, and I knew it. It terrified me. And I kept thinking about that. About how I felt when I was with you, before I fucked things up. So scared and so fucking happy. I actually tried to convince myself I’d done the right thing even though it felt so wrong. I knew I was wrong. You just wanted me to enjoy life, and I pushed you away. You made my life so much better than it was before I met you, I can’t even tell you. But I swore to myself I was doing the right thing. I was protecting you.”
I knew, when he said it—with such conviction and such pain, and such regretful, bleeding sorrow in his voice—that he meant it with impossible conviction. He’d really convinced himself that he was protecting me—from himself.
“But you weren’t protecting me, Cary. You were hurting me.”
“Can you ever forgive me for that?”
“Yes.” I kissed his temple, his cheekbone, his lips. “Just please don’t ever do it again.”
He took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and promised me, “I won’t. I swear to you, Taylor. I won’t.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cary
Brother
When Courteney opened the door and saw Taylor, a surprised smile lit up her face.
“Taylor! I didn’t know you were coming.” My sister’s gaze dropped to our hands—mine and Taylor’s, interconnected. Then she looked up at me.
“Hey, CC. I, uh, brought a friend.”
“I see that.”
“If it’s not okay…” Taylor started.
“Of course it’s okay.” Courteney opened her door wide for us. “Come in.”
We stepped into the condo she shared with Xander and she shut the door.
“Taylor’s here for moral support,” I told her, taking off my hat. “You know, interviews make me nervous.”
“I’m glad you’re both here.”
“I don’t want to get in the way…” Taylor said.
“You’re not in the way,” Courteney assured her.
She directed us into the living room, where she’d set out two glasses of water on the coffee table, with a box of Kleenex.
Shit. We were really doing this.
I looked around as we took off our coats. The condo was modern and clean, everything in shades of white, a little slate gray. Xander had owned this place for a few years, but I’d only been here for the first time about a month ago. It was as freakishly neat tonight as it was then, which I knew was Xander’s style.
“Where’s Xander?” I asked her.
“He’s out. He won’t be back. I asked him to make himself scarce while we do this.”
“Right.”
I sat down on the couch with Taylor as Courteney went to pour a third glass of water. She set it on the coffee table for Taylor, then hovered. “Do you guys want a beer or anything? Coffee? Something to eat?”
“No, thanks,” I said. I was just hoping she wasn’t gonna be too nervous about this, because it was gonna make me nervous.
“I’m good,” Taylor said.
Finally Courteney sat down, in a chair facing me. “Should we get started? Or do you want to have some warm-up chat first?”
“I’m not very good at small talk. So we can get started. I want to get this over with.” I was looking around the apartment again, but then met her eyes. “Sorry. You know what I mean.”
“I understand.” My sister gave me a supportive smile. “I’m going to record this, so I get everything you say exactly right.” And just like that, she seemed to switch into professional mode. Kinda like when Taylor walked into the studio. She was in her element. I watched her set her iPhone carefully on the coffee table between us.
“Did I tell you I’m proud of you?” I asked her.
My sister actually looked startled. “Um, no. Not lately.”
“I read the book. It’s great.”
“Thank you.” She seemed unsure. “Do you really think so?”
“I do. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, even if you are my sister.”
“I kinda figured that.”
“I’d be proud of anything you put your heart into, Court. But where Gabe is involved… I’m pretty selective on who I’ll talk to about him.”
“I know that. I just want to pay tribute to him. I want to make sure people remember him and they know why his life was important. And I can’t have that full story without hearing