Love In Slow Motion (Love Beyond Measure #2) - E.M. Lindsey Page 0,76
Fredric, and Ilan was more tender, more raw. Even the idea of being loved was a foreign concept to him—at least, the way Fredric loved him now.
“If it doesn’t work out…” Ilan started, then stopped.
He understood that. With all the joy and hope, fear also existed, wrapped around his heart. But he wasn’t going to let it eclipse what they could have, which was so, so much more. “I just want a chance,” he said, like it was simple, because it was.
“I want,” Ilan started, and then he cleared his throat. “I can’t lose you, Fredric. Do you understand that? You’re all I have left here.”
“That won’t happen.”
Ilan let out a bitter laugh, and when he tugged his wrist away, Fredric let him go. “I’ve seen divorce. Hell, you’ve seen it. You’ve lived it. You watched Julian suffer, you’ve watched people change spouses like socks. I can’t…fuck. I can’t ever be that with you.”
Fredric bowed his head and breathed in deep and tried to find words that weren’t burning with emotion. “I am none of those people,” he said slowly, and he heard Ilan’s breath hitch. “I’ve never been those people. I’m also not asking you to marry me, Ilan. I’m not asking for the world—or the impossible. I’m just asking for a chance to let this be more…if you want it. If you don’t…”
He stopped when Ilan’s hand fumbled for his. “I do. More than I’ve ever wanted anything, and that’s what terrifies me.”
Fredric’s fingers were pressed to the inside of Ilan’s wrist. It was an awkward hold, but he could feel his pulse racing, and he wanted to pull him close and hold him until all the chaos and all the fear melted away. Instead, he brushed his thumb over the skin—he could feel where it was thin and smooth, feel the bulge of veins and tendons. Just another piece of Ilan he now knew with an intimacy he had never considered before.
“I won’t keep pushing you. However I feel, I’ll take no for an answer.” And those words damn-near killed him, but he meant them all the same. “Nothing has to change.”
“It already has,” Ilan said. “I don’t know if I can do this, Fredric.”
And he heard the unspoken word as the sentence lingered. “But?” he chanced, and Ilan let out a rough laugh.
“But I can’t even stay on a date without running when you call.”
Fredric’s head snapped up, and his fingers on Ilan’s tightened. “What?”
“I was on a fucking date when you called me to help you label groceries. My first real date maybe ever. You know, the kind that didn’t mean a quick fuck on my couch before I sent him packing?” Ilan let out a huffing breath, and his fingers stroked absently over Fredric’s knuckles, sending sparks shooting up his arm. “I saw your name on my phone, and I knew if I answered that call, that would be it. It would be over.”
“And you did,” Fredric said softly. “You answered.”
“Yes,” Ilan breathed out, “I did. I did, knowing what I was getting into—but I also did it thinking it was safe because there was no way you wanted me back.”
Fredric’s stomach twisted, and his heart thundered, and he hated how hard this was, how complicated, how much fear ruled the moments between them. But like Teddy said to him, it would be worth the effort. “Except I do.”
“And I don’t know how to tell you no.” But before Fredric could lean in and close the distance between them, Ilan went on. “And I don’t know how to say yes.”
Fredric nodded, deflating a little, but not pulling away. “Then have dinner with me. And a little more wine. And that cake you brought.”
Ilan was silent a long while. “And then?”
“And then we take Bas for a walk. You can tell me what the winter sky looks like here at night. I’ve never asked before.”
Ilan’s fingers twitched, and his voice was thick. “I can do that.” He paused again. “And then?”
“And then, we do it again—and then something else,” Fredric said. He shifted closer, until their knees touched, and Ilan pressed back against him. They started to tangle in places, more than their hands, and it felt right. And as much as he was still nervous, he felt safe. “We see movies, and we eat out. We take a tango lesson at the community center. We find a wine and paint night and you can help me paint a cactus.”