many things I want to say to you but now I have a pen in my hand I don’t know what to write. The thing is, over the past few weeks I’ve come to look forward to our chats and our evenings sharing balcony cocktails. You’re so easy to talk to and, without realising it, you’ve become part of my life.
I know it sounds crap, but while I find it easy to be positive, maybe even fun when I’m chatting, when it comes to talking about the things that really matter, the stressful subjects, I just seem to stick my head in the sand. My life has been full of serious conversations and well-meaning medical professionals talking at me, wanting to ask me if I’m okay, how I’m feeling about my transplant, how I feel about having a chronic illness, how I’m feeling about the meds and I just haven’t wanted to talk about it. I didn’t know how I felt and I sure as heck didn’t want to talk about it!
For the last few years I’ve been running away, from my diagnosis, from my parents, from serious stuff and I spent some time drowning my sorrows, pretending I was fit and well and just, well normal, in Crete. Then Laura came along. As I told you, she was different, feisty, didn’t give a darn about anyone or anything and that’s what I thought I needed. But as I’ve already said, we were more on and off than the British weather.
What I didn’t tell you was stupidly we decided to get married a couple of years ago. In my defence I can only say I was young and I felt like rebelling about everything and Laura was really pushy about getting hitched straight away. So we got married abroad, without my family (yes, they were hurt too). I feel terrible about it now, but I guess I just wanted to hit out at everything. I know, I sound like a complete idiot and I was.
It soon became really obvious we weren’t going to work as a couple. Sam and his partner Tina were getting married, I missed my parents, my health started to deteriorate again. I realised running away wasn’t the answer; my kidney disease is a part of me, of who I am. I tried to explain to Laura, offered for her to come back to the UK with me, but she wouldn’t. She said I was being boring, giving in. She wanted to travel, she needed excitement and fun, the spontaneous barman she’d met in Agios Nikolaos, but that guy wasn’t really me.
All I can say is, this lockdown, meeting you, the whole situation has given me time to think and realise I need to grow up. Stop running, accept how I am, who I am, what I am.
For nearly a year I’ve been trying to divorce Laura. I knew the relationship wasn’t working. We are totally wrong for each other. But Laura refused to accept it. It’s made things so difficult. I’ve been constantly on to the solicitors, served her the divorce papers, but she just ignored them. In desperation I paid for them to be delivered and signed for. But still nothing from her and I figured I’d leave it until we had been separated long enough for a divorce to be granted naturally as we had been apart for a couple of years.
But now I realise yet again I was just hiding from reality. It’s you I need to thank for helping me see this. You’ve helped me understand how I feel. I’m just sorry I came out with all that stuff the other night and in the wrong way. No wonder you aren’t talking to me. I hate thinking of you sitting in your flat, going about your daily life angry with me, believing I’m a total waste of space. I hope you might forgive me and just be my friend again, because to be honest you’re the best mate I’ve ever had. I’ve never nearly met anyone like you … and you do make the best chocolate crispy cakes ever.
With very best wishes,
Your upstairs neighbour Jack
Erica gives me one of those looks, which shout loud and clear whose side she’s on. I’m silent for a moment, digesting Jack’s words, ruminating on them, whilst anxiously scoffing biscuits. I just can’t help it, I always stress-eat. I often drive everyone nuts in the cinema because as the film gets more tense, I munch more and